Music

Such a simple topic. Its so general that we don't know where to start. Its a joy. Yes. It delight our ears and soul. Yes. It brings a message. Yes.

Yet such simple thing, we rarely drink in the glory and beauty of it. I always just love to put my bulky headphone on when I am feeling azure blue and let the music wash me away from all those unpleasant real life thingies. Like when I just heard "El Roxanne De Tango", the clear baritone voice of Ewan McGregor and the violin playing, I can feel it caress me and then engulfed me on gloom, downing it to further dark depths.

The masterpiece by Tchaikovsky Sleeping Beauty finale piece, it brings to mind of regality and splendor. I can almost see and felt the velvet and silk, the heavy brocade, the shining cold white marble on my feet. And a lingering sadness in spite of it. Seems like.. something that you know you can't have yet you held your head high.

And in YoYo Ma, suite 3, bww 1068, it brings to mind the clear blue sky, cool lemonade, soft sunlight on my cheek, soft pillows, comforts. The little things that make you happy.

Some things don't need to be said by words. Music is just another instance of it. I love classical as theres so much "scope of imagination" in it. The rise and fall of the piece enchanted me. Given me thousand of pictures that describe "scenes" of the music. String of words can be created easily. The notes of music? I wonder how peoples manage to do that. Capture the essence of the moods, giving it colour, light. Make it harmonious in combining both joys and despair in a piece.

To all those musical genius out there, I salute you.

Just a lil sweet something

I had just finish reading my all time favorite Anne books again. I can never grew tired of it. It is just so beautiful. People nowadays can't write about the same thing again. When I read about a particular beautiful description of the smell of flowers or the feels on walking around at the woods, I am sure only people living on those far away time can feel that. We can't enjoy any of that anymore. Walk in the woods? Most likely the only thing you will feel is that is somebody following me to 'abuse' me. Smelling flowers? We had to buy them for almost RM50 now to smell it.

Anyhow.... there's a little verse from Tennyson that is written at the book.

All precious things discovered late

To those that seek them issue forth,

For Love in sequel works with Fate,

And draws the veil from hidden worth.

-TENNYSON-

And somehow it is true. We discovered things that we hold dear to us when things are too late, we discovered them after so much things had happened, or when we are much older and wiser.

PTD Exam

I was being "summoned" as that what I felt when I read the letter to go to the Peperiksaan Pegawai Tadbir and Diplomatik Gred 41 at Sek. Men. Teknik Azizah, JB. I know what to expect of the exams since my friends, family and fellow blogger taqi here had told of their similar experience. Except I don't have a fetish for schoolgirl with uniform. The exam was held on Tuesday and Wednesday. It was my "weekend" pon, so what the heck. I went.

I went back to JB with my brother. At first I was suppose to go with my mom. But my mom is way too tired after her trip to Vietnam. So my brother was handed the task to accompany me. Or should I say me accompanying him. So there I was after work lugged my bag with my brother to go to Pudu. I keep on forgetting why I hate Pudu, but yeah.. now I remembered. The smoke, the smell, the poor light, the heat.... And I can't remembered exactly whats the bus company name are but the bus name are Gunung Raya Express. The ticket guy was very very rude and when one passenger remarked this upon him he had the courtesy to reply " Ni kira cukup baik lah kite org kasi ko naik tau " Even I was kinda shocked. So much for Malaysians friendly peoples huh. And then theres a bunch of Indonesians on the bus and the Indonesians was way more demonstrative in voicing their unsatisfaction to the very rude man. Hence they almost broke up with fight. It was very very loud since they are right next to us, ( I saw my brother was trying to make himself invisible) and very very boring. Ugh.. And the guys right at the back of me was talking loudly as if he's in mamak. I was very very irritated. Uh.. next time I will pay much more for a bus ride just so I can get my nap. And when I got there I have to walk 30 mins with my high heels becoz theres no cab. Torturous feet~

And then home sweet home. Yeay! But have to wake up early to go to dratted exam. Not yeay~ Thank goodness it was only about 15 minutes away from home. My brother drove me there. Hehehe.. whats the use of brother huh. When I got there, I felt like... SPM days. The school hall... my school friends... Ugh.. bad memories; I meant the SPM days. So the exam went on. It was ok. But I was not ok. I got a temporary flu. Damn. But the questions was all about us..Do you lie when you are a kid? Yes.. Do you laugh hearing lewd jokes? Of course la yes. (Tipu la if someone lies about this). So on the questions goes, I finish it in about half an hour early so I went back home to lie , moan and ate my lunch. After lunch, went back to the general-question-nobody-care-much-about-Malaysia and I must had failed that one terribly and the maths one too. The maths question is easy. But maths had never been one of my forte... so I didnt manage to finish it all. My Brain Is Slow Hence The Blurrie Nickname Given To Me. The next day was essay day. The essay for BM i chose " Tinggalan Sejarah Penting Pada Warisan.. bla bla" and the English one is "A healthy diet is important.. bla bla" and I chose that! What a laugh! for a girl who loves red meat and lots of pasta sauce. So then.. its over~ SPM days over~ yeay. But I had to go back to work the next day! Damn! Because it didn't felt like I was on my "weekend" hols. But today is Saturday, fun working day! Yeay! So my mood greatly improved. And the trip back to KL was spent on a really fine looking bus. Very comfy, very cold and they shown George of the Jungle and White Chicks. DVD quality babe! Goody~

Ah.. I can't wait for my "weekends" off. I want to slumber and do fun stuffs. Not exams! But it was ok anyway. And I don't set much hope on it pon, someone said it is really really hard to get through.. I meant if my SPM was not so great, and I felt it was like SPM all over again, so I dont think so I will get far on that.And... I already got a job which I will try to hold on to.. until I felt I get much experience to venture to the Great Unknown again.

Ah.. pizza~ goody!

Isn't it funny

that.. even in my dream my wish won't come true. How tiring. To suffer dissapointment in a reality living dreamless world and to get no reprieve even when I slept. I woke up... feeling rejected. Great. Just great.

Working on Sat and Sun

Owh.. most ppls just opt to work in the weekend. But Im working shift. So here I am. But it is quite fun though. Its more relax, u get a lot more laugh. The food is great. Its a helluva lotsa fun. Of course it is killing your social life. But hey.. I don't have much of a social life anyway. No biggies for me. (snide comments heard all around.. ignore it)
I seems to be enjoying my new job! Yeay.. of course they are downtime. Meaning if customer got mad or you are really really sluggish in waking up ~ But they are up times when they appreciate your efforts. So every job got its pro and cons. But the environment is nice.... the peoples are extra nice. No one was telling me to get another job quickly (*hint *hint to other places), no one was looking at you askance like you just stepped on a cat poo or something and peoples dont give you looks when you are really reluctant to work overtime.
And the system is currently down. Owh.. I dont know if thats good or bad for us. We just have to wait and see. And also the door refused to let us in. How dare it. Only my manager can get in and out easily. And somebody said we can get out but not get in. Probably all this things are telling us to go home and have fun.. yeah!
Owh.. but I will have to stay here until 6.45pm ..... Herm.. too bad for me, thats ok. Just live and let live!

I found my keys!!

It is right outside the Setiawangsa LRT station, somewhere near the drain. Hahhaha.. malu malu~ ::BLuSHinG::
:: Sigh:: I guess my friends have to take back their words that I am no longer "blur".

I lost my keys

Damn it! I mean... I put it right there in my wallet. And it is lost. That means.. I have to go back to office tomorrow (in my OFF DAY) so that I can open my locker and give my colleague his things since he was so lazy/forgetful to buy his own key. Hihihi.. trust a forgetful girl to keep your things.

Yesterday... was somewhat like fun to me. No wonder I lighten up. First during lunch, our trainer told us that we will be having dinner together at Madam's Kwan to celebrate our new manager arrival. Most of us then and there, were buzzing and saying they're not going since 1. Pay haven't came in yet 2. Madam's Kwan isn't somewhere you wanna eat at the end of the month. Then came another announcement. The company is paying ... Hurray! But it will at Sundanese. Damn. Becoz I was looking forward to Madam's Kwan. I had been to Sundanese before. Averagish food. Madam's Kwan... haven't been to yet. Later kut.

It was somehow kinda nice because it gave us a chance to get to know each other more outside of work. And surprise surprise, the time to let off some steam. I meant.. hey understandable. There are a few ppls in our midst that we can't stand and kinda nice to not keep it bottled up and as a mild way to say it "shared".

Then at dinner yesterday, the guys were discussing their girlfriends. Ah.. see. Guys do talk about girls animatedly. And they were complaining. One of them my friend Kev said "Women these days arrr. They called themselves independent woman. Then, flowers, present I give. Dinner I pay also. Even parking ticket 1 ringgit doesn't want to pay. Petrol money don't ask la kan. And then by the end of the night, they called themselves an independent woman."

I was laughing my head off. Because somewhat it is true. I am guilty of this sometimes!!! But hey.... my man (then) wanna treat me right, I am not complaining! But of course la, he cannot be the only one picking up the tab. Once in a while girls, go and buy your man an expensive dinner at an expensive restaurant too. He did that much to you, about 3 times more isn't it.

But not that the girls doesn't always wanna pick up the tab. Like me, I will felt like I was cheated and a fool, when I was spending so much for a guy yet he didn't even lift a finger to pay or help or somewhat makes me feel nicer in anyway. So sometimes, these kinda girls who was always wanting for their bfs to pay, may have some bad experience. And doesn't wanna feel like a fool anymore. But hey.. as for me.. If I see he was good to me anyway. I will be more than happy to keep him happy even if that means picking up the tab sometimes.

Numbing still

Owh.. let forget those heart wrenching post below this one. It is written in a somewhat resurfacing grief stricken moment. I am a bit embarassed by that post, but it is of course my baby. It is what I had felt. As for that, I let it be.

I do not know what life will offer to me. I felt like a hundred years old yet there are so many things I want to do. So many things have gone wrong. So many ways I want to set it right again, yet I felt powerless. I can't do this alone. So let it be.

I remembered watching the Butterfly Effect (starring Ashton Kutcher). It was a lovely movie. And what can we do if we could change back the past. Change it somehow, to make it into our lovely little world. And at last, he knew that by not being born he is making his little cirle of world much more better. Kinda morbid isnt it. I am glad I was born. Some peoples even say that I changed their life to the better. It is nice to know that. But... I felt.. as if.. everybody is benefiting with this close personal relationship with me.. but not myself. I felt somehow like a loser. I must have missed out on something. Lesson learned? Experience? Feelings shared? I felt let down. What wisdom I havent learned and impelement yet? Do not trust every word of a guy.. ? Be with someone who treat you right? Break out of my shell?

This is another morbid post. It must be. Because I feel heavy. And I remembered a colleague of mine said that we can know our feelings by our stomach. Not romantic huh? But come to think of it , he's right. I meant if we says.. like get stage fright. Our stomach will be like 'bergelodak', hence the frequent trip to the toilets before we got on the stage and smiled and do our things. And if I were excited to meet a guy I like, I knew I MUST have really, really like him by my frequent trip to the toilet before going out on a date and my stomach I swear must had contained pretty little butterflies after I got back from the date. I felt damn fly~. Damn..now you guys will know why I look a bit thinner when going on a date ^_^ And if I am sad, my stomach will feel like lead and wrenching pain seems to shot through it. So.. I trust my not- so- identical- looking- belly -as- Britney to tell me what I am feeling. If only I can see others feeling as well. Oh yeah.. i took that SEX ID test where yada yada.. I am 50% femalebrain. Thats no news to me. Anyway what is news that is my emphatising ratio si only 6 out of 20.. even the average men ratio is 8 out of 20. I must be way more callous that you average guys out there. Other than that,the result is as expected. Oh wait, I find out that there is a bit testoterone surging through my body. Ah no wonder. What you wonder? Thats for you to find out! (cheeky all of the sudden laks)

The weekend is almost over. How sad.

Raw

Why does my heart cried
Feelings I can't fight
You betrayed me
But just don't deceived me
And please believe me when I say I love you

[From the movie Moulin Rouge]

And why didnt he?
He's playing hot and cold.. hot and cold with me. I can't stand it. Yet I always come back for more. I am a true blue masochist. I don't even ask him to love me. I just ask him to miss me. And he couldnt even do that.. or say it. I just want to see his face once more. To see his lovely smiles, his small laugh. Why couldn't I forget him. When he could so easily dismissed me.. he could just easily come back and messed my sense and sensibility.

While my tears fall down to my keyboard, yet at the same time I was making jokes and soothing him telling him "no worries". I don't ask for much... a smile, a pat on the hand.

I miss him so much. Yet I am so afraid to let it shows. Becoz then if I show it... it will hurt 10 times more.

Hanging out.. Getting Bored

I am currently still in training, (right now) but peoples are laughing, surfing unnecessary wsites. SO hey. I do the same. I felt that these past months the muse in me had flown away. Perhaps my energy had dissipated. Or perhaps the lies had prove to much and it is eaten away inside me leaving me just an empty hollow of a human being. Woah.. that is too much. Aint it? But if you think about it... the more lies we build ourselves around to. We seems to get lost into it. As I am now. I am living in lies and so I will continue to do so in 10 or 20 years or even the whole of my life.
But hey.. I don't plan to talk about it. I just feel down down down. Maybe because my niece had completely destroyed my lipstick recently. I don't intend to type mushy stuff or something degradable since I am of course in the office and ANYONE can see (which meant that ANYONE I sooooo want to bash).
So just keep it light and easy. Thus... I ran out of idea already. What ? Where's my muse??
Muse muse come to me. Nope she's not coming. She must have gone into vacation to Pompeii or something.
Hey.. I seen Pompeii on the documentary recently. Nice huh. Peoples seems to take more interest in Pompeii recently. Dunno why.
It gets me to thinking.. we daydreams right? Some more than others. Especially me. Especially when I know I can't get THE guy. So why waste our dreams on em right? Such a lousy way to depress oneself. So don't any of us fabricate this fantastic person who knows our every need, accept all our weaknesses, think we are the most perfect person in the world.. bla bla bla. I had already laid out many of my characters spuns across the century. Herm.. and come to think of it.. all my lovely dream guy character ended tragically. Drown, war, self sacrifice and those shits. Since I seems to be agreeing that true love is probably love that you can't get. Maybe thats why all my character died. Herm. Even in my wildest fantasy my dream guy(s) died/ran away/being a quitter/married someone else. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. But i havent fabricated a character in Pompeii yet. Maybe I will! Yeay.. And yeah.. you can all guess how MY character gonna end up here.

Yeah.. I know this post is pathetic. I think my muse must be disgusted with me. And its raining. And my head hurts. And I want to watch TV. I miss being a jobless bum. Uh.. my trainer seems to be ignoring us. Continue blogging.

I see a sad lack of commitment in bloggers nowadays. Maybe all of em are happily being in a relationship , so they are in a world of their own where the sun shines even when it rains at night, flowers bloomed even at the dirties longkang and car honking at rush hour traffic heard like a nightingale singing. So maybe they don't have much to rant of instead of we Singletons.

But not many peoples know my blog. I am somewhat reluctant to let some peoples know since I may want to bash em. But I didn't bash anyone. Yet. Soo.. I am a nice person. Guddy.

In Search of Jobs

I am not jobless as many of you known by now. But yesterday us girls got together and laughed about how the job which we are now which then we disdained..but now we have to be. Its not much of a choice for us that don't exactly have the appetitte or brains to do programming. The most apparent choice now for jobless grads are:
1. Call Centre
2. Teachers
3. Customer Service
4. Job that are piled with lotsa of documents involved ( even that is not many)

But hey.. as I said before. Beggars can't be choosers. Especially us poor ones..

But I got a job. Not a dream job. But its good enough for a start. More than good I suppose. So I will be accompanying my friends to search for their dream jobs at a career fair. But for me who had attended this before. Well... I guess you really need to choose. And competition is tough. But of course us UTPians are made of stronger stuff.. We after all had healthy doses of roti canai and teh tarik at mamak Tronoh during our study.

UTPians are having their exams now right even as I typed. Herm.. I missed exam times. When there is no classes. All you had to do is study between watching the latest downloaded shows of CSI and O.C. Especially puasa during exam. Usually those are the best memories. Study from midnight till 4. Then go to sahur. Laugh around a lot with friends until we can hardly remembered what we had studies the night before. And solat. And can go sleep terus. ::sigh:: Those are the days. ::sigh again::

I MISS UTP

A girl in hiding in training

In training right now. Will be brief. Am not suppose to open Internet other than work relate stuffs. Can chat though.. but only for technical support. Jeez. Well. It is better than BCF aight. Am the only Malay girl here. Its fun however. Feel unique whut. Right? No lah. I don't know..
But who knows.. am learning loads however. So its really good stuff not to mention good pay.
15 mins break over. Learn on spam now. Ciao~

On 2nd thoughts...

I got a call yesterday. Apparently I was eligible to go through the 2nd stage of interview of the being that kayak instructor if you guys had read my previous post. I was like.. uuhhh~ Kinda like half wishing that I can work out the gut to be a kayak instructor. You need a lots of guts to make a decision like that.

So how does somebody made up their mind, to have this vocation and be something like a UN volunteer handing out foods and medical supplies to all those hunger and poverty stricken Somalians or Cambodians. It must have take a lot of guts. To face hardship, work for something that doesnt gave you benefit at all (excepting to God and your conscience). Not that being a kayak instructor is something that humanitarian, but still it is almost the same. You leave the comforts of your family and friends behind.

So am I a coward in not seizing the opportunity? And just be like another regular, blouse-pants/baju kurung wearing girl going to work at KL? I guess I am since I had chose to not go.
But hey.. I am still adamant in to rough it. Example like vacation. Maybe alone, maybe friends. Maybe Pompeii, maybe Tasik Kenyir to kayak. Interested anyone?

I'm no one wife.. yeah.. but I love my life

Just a lyric from Chicago the musical. I just simply loved it when Catherine Zeta Jones belted out that song.

Not that it got anything to do with my life. But it is kinda like a feministic kinda film right? Meaning the girls are all singing about how scummy men are, yet the men are even more calculating than the women. Everybody is horrible.. I love it.

Deep down I am horrible horrible selfish person. Because I keep on hurting the person who loves me, and the person I love ( Different people pls note =p ). It must have been the scorpio in me to lash out when I am in hiding. I meant.. well.. it is pretty clear right. No. It is not clear. Of course I am mad. It is always me. Me Me Me. I have to keep on contacting. I have to be genial understanding. Understandably I am mad, furious yet deeply repentant. Don't you guys have this feeling. Lashing out.. screaming that of course I am angry.. so angry I want to hit you.. yet asking for forgiveness.. trying to be everything that you want me to be. Now... isnt that simple enough?

Ah.. sweet simple life. The things that you want is always much harder to get, but you just get what comes in your way.

Erm.. this is depressing. Why should I depress myself. I meant I kinda got this foreboding that another person is going into the sunset with another person so why shouldnt I get into a nice simple none problematic car and drove into the sunset too right? Even if my heart died a little when I heard his name or when I heard or uttered his name. If only those who are wary enough could see the slight note changes in my voice and the little sparkle in my eyes when I say his name. But human sense are of course just limited to 5. We can't comprehend all of this. Perhaps cat can. Herm.. maybe thats why cat likes me.?

Oh to answer you question Taqi. Dial up sux. Broadband sux even more. I got a lil problem in connecting streamyx. I am just short to burning down the TM Point in Ampang for being so incompetent. For me to publish this particular pointless post would probably cost me about 10 to 15 mins. But well.. I just have to take the trouble.. since my heart just died a little.

Again~

I got a job! Yeay... Wait, havent I posted that like a month ago? Oh yeah.. I did. I got another job. Hehehe.. Yups yups.. so its true aight. Fresh graduate tend to job-hop. But hey.. the pay was kinda lousy. The work is dull. (any work is dull).. but this will be a better experience for me since I will be dealing with McAfee antivirus support. So I will opt for this even though the work will be hard.

I went for the interview last week. Every one in the office knew I went for an interview. So of course I have just got to get it! At first I went, I was mildly apprehensive since the receptionist are both chinese. Then I look around me only about 5 malays around. All the rest are non-malays. And only 2 of em including me wearing a tudung. When I thought that all we had to do before the interview is to fill out the usual form.. name, education,siblings..etc etc, The cute chinese receptionist gave me another form. A test on our knowledge of virus, network and Internet! So.. I was thankful for the chance of being an ex UTP IRC OP. Campuses offered us aplenty of education apart from classes aight? Then we were called into a room, and were tested on our grammar, listening skills, pronunciation, customer service and typing skills. The lady who took my mark on typing skils was mildly impressed since I got 100% accuracy and my typing skill is an advanced level. Hahahhaha.. at long last.. a recognition in being a manic chatter for almost 7 years.

The interview is not that bad. He is an Australian. I used to live in Australia briefly. We chatted along marvellously once I got through the nervousness. So... its not that bad overall. I rarely did badly pon at interview usually. Except for the Schlumberger interview masa training dulu. That was a complete disaster, and I knew I did't get it right away. But hey... it all depends on how confident you might be feeling aight.

Oh.. I forgot.. My workplace will be around KLCC. But don't think so I will enjoy my time as in industrial training dulu, since I will be working in shift. Oh.. takutnye~

Benson and Hedges dream almost came true

Eh.. friendster had started blog thingies rite? Herm.. it is cool when most peoples would read ur blog.. but how can u 'umpat' a certain peoples eh? hihu

I am tired.. It had been a most .. something something week. Haha.. for once I can't put a word to something. No worries.. I was called yesterday for an interview. I am sure most of you would had laugh when they heard the position they ask me to filled in. Somewhat like a kayak instructor. I was strangely surprised, yet.. it was like.. for a while.. I was like.. wow.. A chance to get away from it all. And be one with nature. Well.. my dream is not be one with nature. But.. imagined that if I got the position. I would thin of course, but really really sunburnt. I was tempted to tell the interviewer that this is my chance to get thin and slim. Oh yeahh.. I went along for the ride (interview, I meant) , I was like.. whut the heck. If I got through the 2nd stage of interview, I would be sponsored to go to Langkawi for another interview.

It was really2 tempting for a while. If it were not for my family, I would probably had said yes... on the spot and said "take me now". They gave us an aparment in some resort. And learn all things that nature in Langkawi could give us. I would be able to really contribute something to humanity, since they are also involved in a lot of charity event. AND i would be able to kayak from one island to the other, which are one of my Benson and Hedges dreams of all time. And now.. a company is giving me a chance to experience all that, and get paid for it. Wow~

Yet.. we are always tied down with something. I have already got a job. I have my family. I have to be with my sister now since she will be alone soon. My mom is already freaking out when she heard that. She was like.. "what are you going to do up there".. bla bla bla. I still remembered when the first time I told her I was going to entered a 2 days long kayak expedition. I told her after I had undergone the 1st day training. She rant and said " Kalo kena baham ngan buaya padan muka kau". Hahahha.. I was and still thankful she do not have a 'mulut masin' or I would had probably been a croc lunch.

So.. my family is vehemently against it. Except for my eldest. She told me to do it if I really want it. But.. do I really want it that bad? To leave the family? Leave all my friends? Be one with nature as in get bitten by mosquito all the time, rarely taking bath, hair smelling like longkang?
But its really2 tempting.. wouldnt you be? But.. I probably won;t get the job anyway. But its really gave you something to think about eh? Really way out of line from your comfortable zone.

A Season Of Madness for SIngledom

I am just exaggerating the topic. I felt it is madness for me in my single state. Why? Oh Sheeshh... In a day.. I had turned down 2 dates. Not from lousy men that doesnt worth your time. No No.. One of them, is a very very very cute guy. I am still lamenting myself why I did not go out with him. Why dila? You obviously wanted to a few months back. He's cute. He's tall. He's funny. I know I will have a hell of a time with him.. But why? Maybe because of the wrong timing. I meant he asked me right out on the day when I was feeling crappy and wearing crappy clothes. No cute guys will see me at not my best.. No No No.. hahha. Blame the media for making women feeling they have to be at their ultimate superior best. So guys.. if a girl said not... It does not necessarily means "not interested", sometimes it is " ask me again.. pretty please". Such a waste... I am sure he won't ask me again.

And of them, is from a very very sweet guy. Why? I don't know. It just seems so.. well.. I will sure be tongue tied (me?), and it just seems...I don't know. It just seems like something that I wouldnt want to start. And I hope he doesnt mind much. I do like him.. just that.. well its all that is. I just like him.

So? Am I really feeling this? OR am I just just making xcuses to myself.. becoz I still wanna be treated invisible by HIM? Oh.. I hate this... Sometimes I hope we lived in the 19th century where our parents make the choices and we can blame them and society for that mistake.
So I now have work to bury my pretty head in. It is very useful to have a job and workloads that piled a waist high (literally, seriously). You can stop feeling sorry for yourself and not be so vain.

Crash Boom Bang

Just feeling blue blue blues~~ Baah~.. So I will paste this one of my all time fav. Probably I am just making excuses from picking up my niece toys.

Just one of those songs that sometimes seems true true true..

Crash Boom Bang - Roxette

my papa told me to stay out of trouble
"when you've found your man make sure he's for real"
i've learned that nothing really lasts forever
i sleep with the scars i wear that won't heal
they won't heal

cos every time i seem to fall in love
crash! boom! bang!
i find the heart but then i hit the wall
crash! boom! bang!
that's the call that's the game and the pain stays the same

i'm walking down this empty road to nowhere
i pass by the houses and blocks i once knew
my mama told me not to mess with sorrow
but i always did and lord i still do
i'm still breaking the rules
i kick it up
i kick it down

cos every time i seem to fall in love
crash! boom! bang!
i find the heart but then i hit the wall
crash! boom! bang!
that's my real middle-name
it has always been the same
that's the call that's the game and the pain stays the same

i still feel the heat
slowly fallin' from the sky
and the taste of the kissing
shattered by rain
comin' tumblin' from behind
and the wild holy war
i kick it up
i kick it down

and every time i seem to fall in love
crash! boom! bang!
i find the roses dying on the floor
crash! boom! bang!
that's the call that's the game and the pain stays the same
that's my real middle-name
it has always been the same
oh yea oh yea oh yea uh-huh
been the same been the same
it has always been the same

I'm in love with a dream

I havent touched that much on this topic. Perhaps it is.. hard, painful.. and frightening. I'm not those peoples who are afraid to get into commitment. You can always bounce back.

But yet.. everyday.. My hope is diminishing, and this makes my dreams even more solid. I mean.. the ever sung out song "My Heart Will Go On". We may on hearing the songs played, wanted to turn it off or changed it to another station. Still .. how really can our love goes on, knowing the other party not interested or not there anymore. Can we really build an artificial life and surround us with many masks and faces.. and in our head we build these really lovely fairytale. Knowing that these are the best that we have at this time and perhaps forever. In reality.. if Jack never died in that ship, Rose will probably get irritated with him drawing naked women in America to make a living aight and whacked him becoz of her uh undying love for him?

I am much too young to be a cynic and jaded about life and love. Somehow as I always said before.. I am weary of the game. It had worn me down. I am left tattered, battered and fending for my mind. How fortunate it is for actors and actress, for a while to be a a different person and forget who you are. Because I certainly can't forget who I am.. even though I am playing pretends.

So.. let me build my Spanish or French or Danish castle in the clouds and my hero saved me everyday and I will save him every other day.. where the peoples are loyal, my heart are true, love is genuine and heroics cherished. Because right now.. that is what made me happy in a sad lonely kinda way. Strangely.. having children never been one of my dreams.. Hmmmmm~~

I can't think of a topic

I got to thinking.. how many peoples changed our life. Not changed it to the profound-i-found-life-is-exciting kinda way. But how our life intermingled with them.. and we find ourselves doing some things the same way that they do.
I remembered this one guy who I absolutely crazy head over heels with. We used to write these letters. Until now.. I still write my "2" as the same way he did. Maybe I used to love him, hate him and then disregard him. But still he had left something permanent on me. His "2".
And how one girl who introduced me to lipstick, mascara and powder and stuffs. We had our tiffs, differences, catfights and hardly talk today.. but still.. She had molded a little bit of who I am today, then.
And how I got these habits on chewing on my knuckles when I am dreaming of particular unpleasant thoughts from my mom... even though most of us vow never to be like our parents.
Peoples may want or force to change us. But they do it unconciously. SO the term. NEVER CHANGE THE WAY YOU ARE. is rubbish. We just can't help it. So.. accept who I am. I am who I am because what all of you had made me.

Why Do I Even Bother?

Why? I don't know. I guess some peoples like to build their hopes up high. Or I guess some peoples just won't give up. But I never used to be these type of peoples you see. I don't have that high of an ambition. And if things get tough.. I usually just forgot it. I meant .. why should I give a damn. Life is interesting enough aight? But.. now every little things count, I build my castle high up in the cloud, and I just won't stop.

Thank God for every little things in life that make your life seems bearable and worth living. When i broke up with a boyfriend once, someone told me not to do anything stupid as in (suicide). I retorted back.."I am not THAT stupid". I never had much patience with those attempting lame suicide. I mean lame because they just do it to get attention, not actually wanna die. But in the process it will 'menyusahkan' everybody. If you really wanna die, you won't just swallow 8 panadols right? I would have gone to Clorox. I mean if I am thinking of suicide, hanging is kinda difficult .... i mean the work of tying all those knot, then hanging it on ceiling or something. And I am short. Maybe those who hang themselves most of em are tall peoples. Gun would be quicker, but getting a gun in Malaysia is kinda difficult I think. Not to mention if you shoot your brain out. It will be messy, I don't fancy myself with a hole in me. And forget about throwing yourselves from a 10-storey building. I can't even bring myself to look down from my room on the top floor (3rd floor) at UTP. So i guess poison is the most logical things aight?
But.. I remembered a ceramah agama I went to hear lately, (Dont laugh) the ustaz said that when Kiamat come, all living things will die and this include Izrail (the angel who take life). And when Izrail turn comes, he will say to God, "If this is the pain of death, then I should had been more gentle when taking away the souls of man". So..I guess death is not easy and also the thoughts of spending eternal life in hell is not really tempting. So.. make our life worthwhile everyday by appreciating every day. Sheeshh... how "Over the Rainbow" I sounded for a while. But the thing is.. as a Moslem, Islam teached us to have hope everyday and never forget that our duty is to God and our life is His for the taking. So I hope God forgive me for sometimes losing hope and thinking all is loss for me.

So for my little pleasures in life.. this is one of it. It is my niece. Isnt she the cutest little thing.

A Week of Mgmt Trainee

Well.. not quite a week just yet. I am still in my baju kurung even though its 11 pm already. I am much too lazy today. Since I had been hard at work giving priority on which car needed to be towed. Yeah.. I didnt say it before. I work in BCB Finance. At first glance it kinda sucks. But.. then I guess I will get used to it.

In the first day, I went from asiajaya to BCB with a taxi. Cost rm5. Damn... but then.. who cares. Dont wanna create a bad first impression. When I got there I ate my first breakfast as a working woman alone~ How sad. I havent even got my things-to-use-or-read when I am alone and bored and eating. Then we went into the HR room where I saw a couple of those from my interview. We greeted hi to each other. Then we follow this akak Lina to another room for us to sigh our contract. It took forever... I think they were just printing the contract as we waited for 3 hrs and more in the room. While we are there, we chatted. The guys in front of me are pretty friendly. One of em reminded me of my brother;shy , unassuming,very polite; so I kinda treated him like my little brother even though he is older than me. I sit with this girl from my interview. She looks kinda sleepy. But she always look sleepy, come to think of it. Herm~ So in this contract, since it is just mgmt trainee thingies we can give 24 hrs notice. So hurray if I want to quit. BUT no annual leave.. like whut? until 6 months we are there. hurmph~ Then we meet with one of the section head who paired us each a boy n gal to each dept. My partner is pretty noisy, kinda like reminded you of those boys you meet when you are in secondary schools.
Since by the time we were given a dept to settle ourselves in , it is already 4pm. So we are not left with nothing much to do but wait till the clock strikes 5.30pm.

Shit, I am much too lazy to finish this. I will continue this again.

Changes

I got a job. Why am I not that much excited about it? Lousy pay? Perhaps. Far? Can be a factor but PJ not that far off.. but still *sigh* (for someone who is so used to KLCC I guess). It is a contract thingies? Can be too.
Maybe after a bit excitement I found out that I will be missing on a whole lot of Singapore television show! How very sad. I have to left the fate of Meiman, Meili and Meide unknown. And when will I get to see my episodes of Desperate Housewives!! Not too mention.. no more mom's cooking. Not that my sis dont cook great. It is appetizing enough. But still.. mom's cooking. No.. nothing can beat that. And playing the Internet daily! I wonder will I get Internet connection there. I don't set much hope in it. Also kinda wish my mom's not that far off. Have gotten used to her.. and I know she will get bored not too mention irritated with living with my slightly schizoprenic grandma.
But this will help me..in getting money for my mom to repair my father's grave.

Anyhow.. things got a little sad for a while. If you read yesterday paper 13th March 2005, a friend of my brother was killed in a car accident which left no survivor. It is so sad because he is so so young. And he just got his SPM result and I guess just got back from celebrating. On my way to pick up my licence, I had seen the tree he hit, and.. it just felt so sad to see the impact the car left on the tree and the debris of the car still left around.
My brother got back late after getting his SPM result, and even then I was worried. He was not in that unfortunate car or involved in anyway. It just that his friend car broke down just before reaching JB. He hadn't gotten quite as good result as expected. We are all hoping for him to get many many A's because he wants to get into medic. But I dont think so the result will be good enough for medicine. Just so.. I guess he will keep on trying at matriculation. But he is always the one to see on the positive side of things.. so I guess he will be OK.

Well.. I guess no more sleeping in late everyday.. Gotta catch that bus. Work and work... makes dila a dull girl. Hope not. Will go to Petaling Street for my accesories shopping from now on since I dont have a great pay =p~ Yeay!

Brief respite

I write for my own relief. When emotions run high. And I don't have anybody to turn to. Its not that I don't have friend. There are many of them who claims to be my friends. Its just that.. you know they mean well, yet I know who I am.
I am not making sense. I never did make any sense to those who know me well. So I just don't care even if as I type my fngers are trembling and my cheeks are flushed. And even if these temporary simple happiness comes as rare as rainbow on a dry spell.. yet it make me feel... alive. I couldnt and wouldnt explain more. Because if I did. Would my secret came tumbling out? And people will laugh and pointed at me.. telling it serve me right? Or.. they will shakes their head.. telling me it wouldnt be as I want it to be? So let me be in my dream state as long as possible.. even if every other night tears come... or every other hour I knew that reality is harsher.
Soooooo.... I will just be old cynical yet sometimes foolish dila again. Hurray for foolishness in a person. It makes them young somehow. Yet I feel old.

Let me bored you

Being jobless, leave me alot of times in my hand. I can sleep all day.. but thats get boring every day. I plan to get in touch with my inner musical self again.. but.. it is just a plan.. my musical self is still in hiding. So as most of you who are familiar with me.. I just read. Due to the fast depleting stocks of all my favorite books being read and re-read. I, in turn had turn into boring books. It is boring. I know.. Thats why I tend to bored you since I am bored out of my mind here. I picked up Catcher in The Rye by J.D Salinger. It is a really well publicized and thought as many others as a well written book. Perhaps some of you might had heard it or read it and think it as phenomenal. It is pretty.. well.. extraordinary I might say. It is unlike anything I ever read.
The main issues here is about a cynical adolescent coping with a phony world. And that is all it is. It is descriptive as hell..I read another 2 books in between that book, since the lack of plot..or..destination of the story drives me mad. Perhaps I do not fully appreciate literary works.. or I am just used to commercial kinda books... you know.. the one that sells story about murder, love and sex. But while I was reading this books.. it kinda dawn on me.. on this book describe on what we might be thinking of every single second in a day. I told you it is descriptive. Since I am just a simple girl.. It is kinda bewildering to read one of its review.. since this book actually describes some pyschological distress in making.. herm.. perhaps my grandpapa is right about forbidding me to be a psychiatrist.
Oh well.. I am taking up simple book again.
Oh sod it.. a sad song is playing. Memories all sorts come rushing.. lets click on the publish button and forget it right dila?

Outrage

Hehhe.. I felt an outrage because Jesse the Bachelor had chosen Jessica not Tara. Which proves to me.. true love doesnt exist, lust does, good sense is not appreciated, ditsy is the way to go, and reality dating must had sucks. So no matter how desperate I am, I will not do it because .. the reason is too obvious for me to print it out.

I doesnt really mind Tara being pissed because the guy keeps on saying.. come on, come on.. opened up your feeling. When she finally does, the guy goes running away and chose somebody else. Typical guy behavior if you ask me. All they ever sputters off is how they want a challenge and when the challenge finally opens up.. away he goes.

Ok.. pissed off feeling drains away now. I am not at peace with myself and can go have sleepover at my friend. Herm.. I wonder what she'll be cooking..

Peanut Butter Sandwich

Such a bland tasty topic.. Why why dila? I just feels like it. It is sometimes said, that you are turning crazier if you refer yourself as a 2nd person. You completely lost it if u refer urself as a third person. How you do it? I have no idea.

I just have my late night snack of peanut butter sandwich. Damn, just typing the words gives me the urge to lather it again on the bread. Yum yum.. I liked peanut butter sandwich. Ever since I was little girl wearing shorts and skirts.
I remembered when I was at school at Australia. I was in standard 2 at the time. Most of the little girls and boys there brought our own packed lunch in a paper bag. Only a few of them buy it from the cafeteria. But then, there is not much a cafeteria since all of the students eat our lunch outside under the trees or on a bench swinging our little legs happily or if it is too cold (winter) we ate in class. At brunch break, at about 10 a.m every morning, any students who is not happy on what their moms packed for them can come in front of the class asking to exhange, "Would anybody exhange my apples for their lunch?" That is pretty much the dialogue. I used to do it once, out of curiosity. To see how does it feels. I am very much an experimenter then =p~
The lunch my friends then liked to exhange is peanut butter sandwich. Everytime anyone ask to exhange their peanut butter sandwich, I remembered secretly wishing I can have their lunch. But I never did offered since I have this weird thoughts or concepts that anyone eating peanut butter sandwich is totally uncool. No cool kids ever wants it. I still remember their face twisted with agony with the thoughts that their moms had packed these dratted lunch again which they hate and wish to dispose of. I think most of them had been drilled on finishing their lunch or get punished or something. Because NOBODY at that time would want peanut butter sandwich. It is not cool to eat it. Nor if someone willing to exhange it. If nobody willing to help them out of this helpless predicament, then they would have to finish it themselves but with a sullen look.

It is laughable when I thought about it now. I think most of them would remember those days with a smile too. Where the worst thing can happen to your day is when your mom packed you a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. I still havent figured out why most of the kids on my class at that time hate that dratted lunch. Perhaps peer pressure drove us to it, to hate that particular lunch meal since it signifies uncoolness =p~ Why is it uncool? I still have no idea. It will remains my great mystery of life

I'm not in the mood la honey

I doesnt feel like writing or typing (whichever way you chose to look at it). But I don't know.. I have to try to update right. As for the Bachelor stuff, Jesse havent pick yet either Tara or Jessica. Both of em are great. I will stands in my opinion that Jessica girl is way too young at 21 to get married. If a man no matter how handsome or rich would ask me to marry him at that particular time, I would decline. You will spend 40 or 50 years (if it lasts) with someone, the thought of spending it everyday with that same person can be choking.. even to me right now. Just enjoy being you, yourself and yours truly for a while.

I had got back from a job interview. I dont pin high hopes for it.. since I fumbled a few times, yet the experience is worthwhile. But let just see aight? During the interview, met up with several hopeful jobless graduate too. And it is kinda nice to get to know and strike up acquantainces with peoples your own age again. The conversation that we had while waiting for our name to be called out to get into the rooms and face the executioner.. arr I meant top manager, surely lighten and chased away the nervousness.

Well... certainly the mood.. havent still got into me. So I wanna stop and try to write again laters. If this post is a little dull.. becoz it is and I am feeling dull ~ Yippee..

A Day Like This

A time for me to write aimlessly again. Hurray for no points whatsoever!

Oh yeah, the Bachelor updates. I felt myself feeling lonely and hopeless as I watch this sweet girls hearts being broken. I am getting MELLOW. This time all three (Mandy J, Jessica and Tara) have incredibly wonderful individual dates. But I have to say Tara is the loveliest of all the dates, and in only that date I can see something close to awe and adoration in our Bachelor guy's eye. Trish shows unexpectedly and hands down the key to her bedroom. Probably to prove to Jesse her prowess. But of course he deny. (I wouldnt be so sure he would deny if he is not in national tv). And the one he sent packing this time is Mandy J. It is to be expected. He is not as smitten to her as he is smitten with Tara. This time it is too obvious. But who knows right. It is of course a dating show.

As for today, it rained! It felt so cooling, so nice, and I actually smell all the nice sweet smell of rain. My sekolah agama teacher, who use to teach me Tauhid I think, used to tell us to smell the rain whenever it rains in one of her lessons. I always like her. She is quite hip and happening for a religious teacher. She always brought to school her colorful see-through bag and wears this big watch where teenagers my age dulu like to wear. She is one of my favorite religious teacher. Ok. Make it the only favorite religius teacher. The male religious teachers I encountered is somewhat perverse. I remembered there is one teacher who always call me away from lessons to his office or his classroom and try to talk to me about sex. I used to sneakily try to get past him. But if he can't find me anywhere else, he will ask some student to fetch me. I guess one of the teacher had a suspicion when she sees my pained face and obvious reluctance whenever a student came to fetch me saying this teacher wanted me. Ugh, I always blocked that conversation with him in my memory. I have becoming quite good in blocking memory. I can't remember any of it now. I do remember I always try to make sure that I was never completely alone with that perverted man. I hate men. I hate men using their authority to expand their lecherous behavior. I just hate them.

Love is in the air ..

That is what keeps popping on the television nowadays. I don't see any love around here. Heck, I would just have to trust the news then.

It is always fascinating about how we Malay Moslem treat Valentines day. Of course we get various emails saying.. " Do not celebrate Valentines day.. it is very un-Moslem like to do so ", Well.. you get my drift. Back in my state of non-single entity days , my bf never gave me any Valentines day. Not one of em. Zilch. They always quoted what they read on the emails.. saying it is not so great about celebrating it. I had got my only Valentines present from a Christian lesbian. And it is a great present. A really cute,fluffy,soft teddy bear. I will give them to my kids later on in life. Won't my kids find it hysterical to hear where I got it from? It just proves that girls are really good at buying presents. No matter what their preferences are.

And what is really interesting or should I say ironic, when these guys are no longer together with me, they kept on saying how jealous they are when seeing guys carrying flowers to their gfs, or how they wish they have a 'girl' to do something special. But I just left them at their own whimsical nonsense thoughts of what-things-that-might-be-but-usually-not-what-they-will-do-anyway.

I have nothing worthy to say

Today is like any other day.. only that I hear Tom and Jerry are playing at the tv. Herm.. That is not everyday occurences, tomorrow my siblings will come home. It will certainly make this medium sized house a bit merrier. Not that it is not merry now with my brother and I hurtling insults at each other every hour of the day. Perhaps this is our distorted way of showing that we care?

My family had never been a sentimentalist. I can't remember when I ever heard the word LOVE actually being uttered here. Not that we are less loving. But perhaps we are less loving than some family. I cannot really know. I never been a part of another family. And if I ever would heard someone say I love you in this house, I swear I will go out of the house and try to acknowledge if I had enter a wrong house. I guess WORDS had never played a big part in this family. But perhaps I think action do this for us. Showing each other in our freaky way.. that we do care. I don't like talking about my family. I had broken up with one of my bf(s) becoz he say something about my sister that I don't like. Well.. part of the reason (grin), he is utterly boring and very superficial and very sentimentalist (Perhaps that is why sentimental guy never bode well with me). I guess it is true what some of em said, we can say anything discriminating about our family, but to heard it from other people it is not acceptable.

We Are Poor Souls..

snubnozze: blogging for ppl yg nak express diri die sbb die lonely..

herm....so are we all lonely? We cannot find consolation in other person therefore we turn our thoughts to this inanimate object?

I Am..A Deity to My House

The title along suggests I am a social outcast.. or pariah? Whut thats social pariah meant btw? Pray.. anyone tell.. Cast that aside..

Another week of The Bachelor - Jesse. Drama. Love. Tears. Guns. Thats what had been happening. Guns you see? Pretty unusual. Noo... none of the ladies had started shooting the Bachelor yet in frustration/revenge/fit of passion. It is just this week.. He is meeting with 4 of the girl's family. All of them are pretty nice. One of the family are kinda.. well.. obsessed. Mandy J (one of the eclipsed contestant) was Miss Teen USA Texas. And that is what they kept on talking about .. as if she doesnt have any other redeeming qualities. And to put pageant souvenirs and prizes and memorabilia at some sort of an altar.. is wrong. It just looks something to be worshipped at. And perhaps it is great and everything.. nonetheless.. she must find out what other quality she have other than winning a beauty pageant. And Tara's dad first impression is by holding a M-16. I have to say , he got style! And Tara is pretty good at shooting too. I am impressed. Chick with gun.. hmmm. But.. AT LAST, Jesse have ousted out Trish the Bitch. At first I thought she was going to accept it graciously. Just when a tinge of respect came sneaking into my head, she said "It is not over". She came for the man.. she gonna have it. Herm.. can't wait. Only the good girls left now. Maybe some other nails will be scratching some one elses.. Ahhh.. women!

Cast senseless reality show asides too. Now books! I have nothing else to do (read the topic). I am but chained to my house on my own willingness. When I went to my uncle's petrol stationg last Monday.. and felt the sun glaring through my skin, I thought.. "God, I hadnt felt that for a long time". It was hot, nonetheless it is a pleasant feeling. Perhaps that is what prisoners must felt.

Back to the topic of books. I had read many books. My head is whirling with all the characters name,experience, deceptions. But I won't bore you nor tire myself in typing all of them. Due to the advanced state of boredomness, I had pick out "A Portrait of A Lady" by Henry James. It is one of the classics. I had first read the book when I was 13. I can't get myself to finish it until now. I still stand as in my opinion when I was 13 that the book quite boring. Nonetheless, after reading about 150 pages (with great difficulty), the story speeded up and become hard to put down. And when it ended.. I was so mad I was about to throw the book right out of the window. Perhaps thats why it became one of the literary classics? Hermm. The main character Isabel, at first was so fine, beautiful, high spirit etc etc.. and at last became this bewildered thing ... with not enough courage to mettle it out. Isabel as a character maddened you, she did everything a heroine should not. And I was a bit satisfied that she married the wrong guy.. and all her assumptions, her thoughts are proven wrong. Someone who determined to face an obstacle alone, and finding out the decision, the reasons is all wrong afterward is quite pathetic and dissapointing all the person who loves her most. Ralph Touchett, Isabel cousins is a character I fell in love with. He is weak.. imperfect.. yet there is so much of a good person inside of him. All of the character are imperfect. No one is heroics. No one set things right. It is indeed a book I deem as one that portrays it characters beautifully. After getting past the first 150 pages.. (The author felt it must be necessary we should be full acquainted with all the characters traits before getting into the event of things)

My brother is now pacing the outside of the room restlessly. Therefore I must let go of the keybpard. Until then....

Remember that Dating Show?

I had told you before that I will give an update on The Bachelor. Before this I was really consumed by it. Hahaha.. Maybe I just have too much time in my hands. Nonetheless, today I just can't stomach it. I won't say anymore on how bitchier Trish get.. But actually I had just type it.. So there,the harm is done. Overall.. all I seen is a lot of kissing and less talking and I just can't stomach it any longer. Therefore I had taken channel surfing to prevent myself from puking out everytime I see Jesse hell bent on kissing and making out with every girl. He is undoubtedly the cutest Bachelor so far, but I also think he also like making out with various gals a little tad bit too much. If you wanna eliminate a girl (in this case Suzie) give her a peck or a decent kiss.. you don't kiss /grab/pillows all flying every direction and send her home the next day. I like the part when Jenny came and told the gals the truth, and Trish expression, she just STOP being friendly with the gals then since I think she felt betrayed. Ahh.... Asrol will think I am making too much of this.. but hey.. a shiftless girl need to have a hobby.
Oh yeah.. the final 4 rose.. were given out to: Trish (Don't get me started), Jessica B., Tara, Mandy J. Can't say I am surprise though. But no problemo.. the show will go on.. which is next week.. And I will undoubtedly have more time at hand in typing my view on this.

Now the part where no sickening reality show is. I had just finished reading Memoirs of A Geisha. Its not the first time I read it, I think this is probably the 4th or 5th time I read it. (When I like a book, I am weirdly attached to it). But by reading it again and again, I am growing even more a deep respect towards the book and the author which is Arthur Golden. Those who have not read the book.. I do advised you to read it. It is a sweet, poignant book. Written so beautifully about the women with the white make up. One of the reasons that I like books because it transport you to the author's world like no movies can. But in this books, the descriptive words in portraying the Geisha life. I felt like I was there watching Sayuri life from childhood to womanhood. When the author describes how Sayuri held up her hand to watch how the setting sun will looks on her skin, I found myself doing the same.

The character here which I found I liked the most is Sayuri 'older sister', Mameha. To me she is the strongest character of this book. Sayuri is uncertain, too naive even when older. But Mameha is a woman in her element. She can be demure, but she shock peoples in the way you might feel a little jolt of electricity when your crush somehow brush their hand against your skin. I find myself appreciating geisha, on how hard to make a job of keeping men interested in you. Interesting job. Daunting, but interesting. Perhaps is THE job for women on the 18th century at Japan. And I felt glad that my first impression of a geisha is not some kind of prostitutes, but my first impression of a geisha; when I was little and looking at their picture in my book of all scenery in Japan, was a performer. And the truth is not that far from my first impression.
I felt a little melancholy I guess. Since the book mainly is about Sayuri quest on the man of her dream. And the question that she keeps popping out is.. What she going to do when she realized that the man of her dream are in no way attainable to her? And this is the question that I myself am dreading. As Sayuri realized on her effort in loving him had becoming almost hopeless
" And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who had practices since childhood for performance she would never give "

I am tiring myself out with all this typing. So I will stop. Till later

Beautiful Dream

I had a dream. Not the daydream sorta things. My dream when you sleep. I dont always enjoy my dreams since I always dream of ghosts, murderers, being chased and HIM.
But this dreams make me dont wanna wake up.
I dream of a man. I cant remember his face. He came to me and ask me to dance. And dance we did in a catacomb, under the moonlight in a pool of water reaching to our knees surrounded by ancient pillars. It was a beautiful dream, it was a beautiful dance. And later I was sobbing quietly under my pillows. And he came.. and wiped my tears away, holding me. Telling me he is here now and not to be sad again.
I doesnt know what does it signify. Perhaps it signify nothing. Perhaps it signify my wants.

What Else...

Love...

Oh.. No.. I am becoming sappy again. Not just yet peoples. I am still the irritable, jaded little person I am. I just want to quote what my friend wrote...

Love is a constant fascination..

It kinda knocks the winds right out of me. I never found a truer words. Be it you 16 or 60.

Unnecessary Ramble

Lets take a ramble down my thoughts. Where the points don't matter and logic are thrown out of the window. In another much simpler words, I have no idea what to post. My last post was surely a gloomy one. I think the hols are doing to me a whole lots of bad rather than good. I think I needed to take a break from holidays. I am starting to be one of those pessimists and are prone to think of disagreeable things such as dying to be a spinster with nothing to eat but bread and be fat and idle.

I have a premonition..( more like my mom told me) my 2 sisters will come down to JB tonight, therefore I won't get a chance to use the Internet when peoples are overflowing in my house. And I have my niece to contemplate with. But it is annoying since I am now seems to fall into depression state. Kinda like moping around the house and grew irritable with everyone day by day. I hate applying jobs and boasted to peoples of my meagre knowledge and thinking how a girl with no apparent skills, nervous when talking to people she don't know and no idea what she wants have to offer herself to a company. How I wish sometimes I was a 18th century socialites and all I have to do is simpers and marry a man with considerable fortune ( I am reading too much Georgette Heyer novels). Right now am also hearing at the radio Ashlee Simpson interview.. When I was a schoolgirl I think I was interested in hearing all this rubbish about what artist wanna say about themselves... Never cease to wonder sometimes how silly a girl can be when at a young age without realizing it. Always about me, me and me. Now being an irritable jobless graduate, it just grate on my nerves. And she kept on repeating ", its like i like doing things..,Like I want to like her .., Like I am living like.., Is Like I can't sings, I Like talking rubbish about things, I like blaming other ppls when I can't sings at live show....." .. ok.. ok I am making some of it up.. but you get the ideas. All the likes being crammed in one interview is bound to rattle one nerves. And I am much too lazy to change the frequency.

And what most horrifying is... I am fast finishing my stocks of feel good novels. And anything left in a few days will be a serial murderous books, monsters, perverted nature human act and (Gasp, shudders, shake of head) medical dictionaries. It is to be known by me.. I will sooner or later will be thrown into a state of melancholia.

Oh today is the bachelor.. What lies I will see today. I will keep you guys posted on what my thoughts.. but much later I think. When I got the chance. Anyhow.. Selamat AidilAdha to Muslims.

Disturbing Looks

You see, I always wanted to say something serious here. Not becoz I wanted to make a difference or whatever, I don't care for things like that. I am nearing 23! So I am jaded already.. haha. But I just like to mull things over. There are something that try as you might. Other won't understand. Like Taqi trying to understand what the hell I was trying to say on my last post. But I remembered telling him, I won't tell him too much about whats in my heart and head now. I am afraid of jinxing it. And even telling it a little, I think I had manage to jinx it. Its just when others don't know about things, you don't feel as suffocated. Its refreshing to not have peoples watching you, calculating your moves, gauging your feelings. It can be apain trying to hold it all in by urself. But in a way.. its a whole new feeling I need to explore.

I have this creeps about older guys. I have a bad experience when. I won't tell. But I hate it when older guys , sizing you up, looking at you, and a smile lurking. It is so creepy. I have this creeps about a guy around my house who's keep on watching me even though I am at his back. I am not imagining things nor am I vain. I know when a guy look at me or not. And from his eyes.. I dont like it. Its not like I think he will jump on me. Just that sometimes, from the eyes you can almost see what they are thinking.

Women have it hard. We need to be wary all the time. And if something bad happened to us, the dirt will usually leveled on the women. I remembered a rape and murder case of a 16 year old. The media was really intent in trying to find out if the gal was a tramp at school. No one deserve that, whatever they do, tramp or not. Thats why I hate the media in Malaysia. Not because of political reason. It is so full of prejudice and misperceptions of our community itself. I am not talking of only Malay. Chinese, Indians, Bidayuh.. all of us share the same guilt. Being through the horrendous experience was traumatic enough, but people then throwing askance looks at you, and wondering what kinda life you led.... thats is even more damaging than the act performed by the animal itself. Our way of healing thought by many is probably is to shut our mouth and locked her away. Many of you out there would probably say things like, no.. thats not the way how it works, we are an understanding lots. How many of us really do understands what they went through.... I remembered when I was in school, I was shock to discover, that there are quite a number of gals I knew had experienced traumatic experience on sexual abuse. I am talking about abuses suffered when you are less than 10 year old. If any of your comments will try to make excuse that it is the girl fault.. I will find you and skinned you alive. And don't say that no one would blame a little girl. I had known peoples who do blame them. See what kinda community we do live in,right. I am not saying I am upholding justice.. or whatever. Just try to see what sicks human being we had turn out to be. When even a little girl was not spared, either by the act itself or by the accusatory stares and tones of the so called sympathetic community. Even in our own kinds (women), we can't find solace. And in turn, we can only rely on oneself and try to make life bearable day by day. I saw my friends one by one crumbled under the unbearable burdens trying to keep the memory out. Some of us succed, some of us not. Those who succeed may be sitting next to you, laughing, crying, joking over petty everyday things. Those who not... are destroying the essence of their lives even as I type now. a

Bachelor.. Again...

I had before this aired my unofficial view on the new Bachelor eps. I seems to be having a fever. Hence I will not be giving details. But just say.. that Trish the bitch is staying on. Urgh.. and my opinion of Jesse the Bachelor had somewhat lessened by the number of women he try to make out with. Of course this is a dating game so kissing is necessary. But then.. kinda like all the kissing had come as somewhat like a blur to me.. and it looks so.. played out. Jesse's friend is dissapointed that he is adamant to try to like Trish despite Jenny telling him that Trish had slept with married men before and not sorry, and think their wives are dumbass for not knowing. But of course, Jesse being a man and being with a woman looking supermodel-like, will not care. And Jenny will not be there to tell him which one is the nice one since Jenny had not been given a rose. Yikes! But I guess the man have to make decisions by himself from now on... yeah.. be a true man.. I guess.. whatever that means.

And of course the creepiest moment when one of the gal who is desperate for the Bachelor attention, went to ogle, touched, caress and almost molested the poor guy. The guy was seen shuddering afterwards. Even I cringe looking at her doing it. I guess classy all the way is the way to do it!

And back to me.. tonight I had paced my bedroom floor, felt my cheeks reddening and fingers trembling. I had not done and felt that for ages. I know why I unconciously and distractedly did that, only afterwards I always wondered at myself... on my ability to do that when I thought I had manage to lose it.

Confirmed, but not official though

Yes peoples, I had graduated. I passed all my last semester exams with not quite flying colors.. more like the colors are dragging its feet. Strangely am feeling numb, numbly trying to think why I am not excited, nor sad. Well.. whatever

I am now a jobless graduate. Hurray!

I have no life..

This is depressing. I feel depressed. I like blogging. It seems to keep me sane. I don't care about eradicating poverty, stopping violence, or other worthwhile stuff. Evil had been lurking since the start of time. With my worthless opinion, it won't suddenly stop and kow towed to me. So .. go ahead evil. We are all doomed anyway. There is no such things as true happiness. Those who experience it are airheads. I am in my hate all mood now. Therefore excuse my lackdaisical attitude towards the fate of humankind.

I felt depressed watching the news. But that it is all I can seems to do. I felt hopeless watching the suffering of others. I felt even angry knowing that they are peoples stealing a pathetic 10 seconds of limelight in trying to relate an equally pathetic opinion to the public. I felt even angrier that the media is having a fest of this. I felt like throwing things at ignorant fools. I felt like throwing more bigger and lethal objects at ignorant authority figure fools making statement to the media. I read the paper. I looked on the between the lines of the articles. I felt even more hopeless.

Peoples are crying and suffering. I am angry I can't change the world.

Yeah yeah.. I am updating

Due to half of my readers request (which counts to only 2) for me to update my not so much blog, I will I will.

I am at JB now. Home sweet Home. or so it seems. Everything here is fine. Normal. Excepting my brother hair. Whenever I saw him around the house I had the unpleasant view of a junior version of Alleycats. I told him to get a haircut.. he doensnt look cool despite any attemps made in combing and moussing his hair. Nonetheless being in my family and inheriting our stubborn genes, he refused my advice and keep on thinking he have the coolest hair around and he look darn good looking. Even birds are thinking to start a nest on his head. Enough description. I had enough viewing of the ridiculous "head piece" and are made to walk publicly beside him, I don't need to imagine it in my head anymore than possible.

Anyhow, I would also like to give my unofficial view of The Bachelor. The one I am seeing is currently Jesse something.. who cares anyway.. He is a quaterback of NFL something something.. therefore a great catch. I have a sneaking suspicion he is a lil bit of an idiot. Not like the other Bachelor. The other Bachelors before this are a bit perverted, manipulative, womanizer and and a liar. This Jesse guy from this one eps seems kinda honest but a bit ..well as I said above. The gals are not that great either. The one I think who's spark off intelligence is his best friend Jenny who is also the spy for the Bachelor thingies. Most of them are either gold diggers, airheads and yeah.. pretty (in well proportioned kinda way). Not suprising. And not surprising either these are the gals who get to the top 10. Even though his best friend effort to point out who's the piece of work, the kinda girl who am sure just in it for the money (marry the guy, divorce him in 2 years time and take all his money), but this are the kinda gals of course Jesse had his eyes upon. If I am Jenny, I had hit him on the head with the rugby ball.

The piece of work I am talking about is Trish. She is a model therefore OF COURSE the guy like him the most. And she got the 1st alone date. She boasted to the other gals, she doesnt want to settle down, just wanna find a rich guy, so she could have lotsa maids to look after her. So the other gals are pretty disgusted with her.
The most hilarious thing is that quote " I hate kids, ... the messy ones, the one you see in the grocery store with bits of lollipop side of their mouth". well that is not the hilarious part, she told Jesse like she doesnt wanna have kids, and this poor guy kinda went silent and looked very very shocked saying "Family is very important to me" (I give one point for this guy for saying this), and just keep silent.. until this Trish, knowing she said the like MOST the wrong thing amended her statement.. " Well... I dont wanna have 5 or 4 kids... I want 1 or 2". And this Jesse loooks kinda relieved. (So I will take back my point I given to him earlier, seeing Trish hesitated so long to give that not so convincing answer and he sooo stupid to believe that) . I also took a minus point on Jesse, since he is so stupid to give the manipulative b**** a rose even though Jenny (his best friend, the one he said he trusted the most to get him going on this show..bahh)said to him that Trish is high maintenance and only interested in money. Jesse is of course smitten with the piece of work and said "Trish intrigued me in so many different ways" I can solve that intriguing questions; money, great apartmen, connections, cars, maids. May they be happy forever. Well it is still very early.. only 2nd eps. But I am greatly annoyed with this guy. So.. whut? Guys finding a model and their mind turned to mush? Or is their mind already a mush to start with so when a model come along she just twirl him around like a cotton sticky candy. Baaahhh~ This Bachelor thingies are not improving my perceptions on mankind.

The Few Hours Before Year of 2005

Yeah.. Here.. I am pysching myself up for the New Year Eve / New Year Celebrations. But actually there is no celebrations due to Pak Lah asking the whole Malaysia to stop celebrating/ drinking / clubbing and to go to our sejadah and do what Moslem are supposed to do in celebrating. Giving our thanks to God and sends prayers to the Tsunami victims. But me.. no..well I will do that a little ( I am a bad bad person) and then went to a bbq. Which I think I will not be eating since I am in a diet fad (Baaah~). Ok.. I am not going to the bbq. Its not so much the ride that I don't have. It is also.. the peoples I have to face. I am not quite ready for so much of 2005! I am ready to face it alone!

I just noticed what the blogger.com posted below my dashboard that Bloggers are the people of the year. Also I had just read yesterday in newspaper that blogging is good to release pent up emotion. So .... hurray! So we are not uncool or zenith as what Taqi had mentioned. And no.. he did not actually mentioned that we r uncool, just that he read that somebody mentioning that it is uncool. Kinda like a cyber way of telling " A little birdie tell me"

BUT.. Why am I telling you about myself and blogging.. becoz the real reason I am here is to tell you about my resolutions. I never really like resolutions before you see. Its seems so passe (whatever that means) and well.. Im no stickler to rules and comformity. But still I will do this becoz!.. well becoz.. arr.. Let just say that.. I need changes

Here are the rules I laid in my resolution:
1. You are not required to follow any of it
2. These are only your wants.. NOT YOUR NEEDS
3. You may procrastinate in commiting to fulfill your resolution (e.g. It doesnt have to be fulfilled in a year)
4. DO not beat yourself on the head if you didnt fulfill any of it.

These are the resolutions:

More recent needed fulfilled resolutions:
1. Lose a few kg..if possible more than few ..damn it
2. Try to be cheerful.. (baaahhh~)
3. Think positive ( this is a dreadful resolution)
4. TRY to take care of your skin. Beautiful complexion.. AHEAD!
5. Find a job (This is actually a need)
6. Installed broadband..
7. Buy more matured clothes (this is a not good resolution)
8. Find another leather jacket
9. Oh yeah.. Watch whats goes into my mouth (Food I meant.. dont think otherwise)
10. Forget about certain events, certain memories, certain someone (who am I kidding)
11. Be single.. (For whatever reasons I can't fathom)

Resolutions I will try to fulfill before I died
1. Go to Pompeii
2. Gather all my books and susun it nicely in order (not alphabetical, nor year.. just so it looks in order)
3. Donate all my not weared clothes to charity ( I have no idea where to start)
4. Try to donate to charity
5. Took my bros to Genting.. (I love my bros..but they dont necessarily love me back)
6. Go to Turkey (a more burning desire to go to Pompeii actually)
7. Be single.. hahaha
8. Learn to drive (Do i hear someone laughing)
9. Join kickboxing .. hihihi
10. Try to get a certain someone (I am contradicting myself isn't it)

The Secret is Out

The secret is out.. yeah.. Somebody found me out!! Egad.. Gasp!!!
Yeah yeah.. I am a closeted PDA. I had declared I am unjiwang..
It is untrue.. well a bit.. I meant I hate it when a person shows too much
But I also hate it when it they showed it too little..
Complicated is it? You should see the inside of my head..


SO here I am.. just back from Rembau. My abang ipar kampung. I also have a massive headache and a tendency to puke
every now and then. And please men out there.. do not make a remark "Are you pregnant?" whenever a girl told someone
that she felt like throwing up. WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO PUKE WHENEVER OR FOR WHATEVER REASON WE CHOOSE.

Ok.. back to Rembau.. Why did I even go there? Oh yeah.. My niece.. My first ever niece ade this Majlis Bercukur Rambut.
Its one of those many Malay events where someone make the baby head bald. (I am not in a very good mood when writing this
if you can see from the style of writing). So my family was there to witness this fatetul event. It is quite funny. Since
these 17 elder women of the village had come to croon about a baby girl in a buai.. And my niece, Alisha being a restless
spirit much preferred to be out of the buai and sit on the floor staring big eye widely at this one particular elder woman holding a mike.
(Malay villagers had come a long way). And when the time came to cut her hair, being a natural all woman erm... I meant gal.. She of course
bawled her heart out whenever someone cut her precious unruly lock of hair. But she does stay quiet when someone spayed her with the tepung tawar..Probably thinking 'hey.. a bath!'
My arms practically gave out holding those coconut water and tepung tawar and bunga rampai thingies. WHen she was brought outside for the pakciks...
seems in the inside it is all the makciks2.. hermm In this event it seems the women seems to be dominant. Hurray for Negeri 9 feminism~!
Anyway.. back to the pakciks in the tent.. well.. when it is their turn to cut Alisha hair. By that time Alisha is screaming bloody murder I told you,
Men being men.. petrified whenever a baby screams..so the pakcik just pat Alisha hair with a bit of bunga rampai.

Anyhow..the food are divine of course.. No need to tell you more about the taste of kampung cooking. Most of you will probably know yourself.
And Alisha hair of course by the end of the day looked like it have been in the hand of a partially blind barber.

And I need to lay down since my headache is getting worse. Probably from eating too much mutton. I will write again

Freezing Cold

No.. I am not in any of the 4 seasons country..
I am at PDN (Pusat Darah Negara)It is really cold here. Probably to keep the blood from going bad.. No wonder doctors have to wear overcoats..
And no.. I did not get a part time job there too.. nor any job there..
I am supposedly to go to KLCC later on . Hence the reason yours truly am here, Since I cant drive. I also have no drivers to drive me there. so I followed my sister to her work. and here I am monopolizing the Internet there. The doctors here are strangely primitive when using the Internet here. They only played games while I am maximizing it use by surfing, playing games and.. well.. I would love to download Yahoo Messenger here.. but better not try to push my luck here..

So here I am reaching new limits of boredom.. by following peoples to their jobs.. So taqi.. probably I would followed you to your job too... May I? (*Blink.. *Blink)
Actually why I am so anxious to get to KLCC.. well.. yes to peoples who know me already.. I am a shopaholic.. not an incredibly hopeless one. Just someone who cant resist a great bargain.. And after battling the accessories-clothes-bags-shoes crazy pack of women yesterday, I would be crazy to not go back and claim my prize of a great bargain of MNG bag. Well.. for those clueless.... Yesterday MNG organized a-to-die for sales... Prices as low as rm19 (Yes.. I know u men out there thinking we are nutters) But MNG? rm19? Hell, I am not going to miss that!So we went in the fenced area.. Yes love, it is fenced.. and there must be close to a hundred gorgeous chicks.. and 1 cute chick (which is me) in an area no bigger than 2 UTP hostel bedroom.. where we battled for that bag/purse/blouse/scarves. We literally had our claws out to actually fought our way through to a bag. So in a few hours time.. I will be a proud owner of a MNG handbag.. after various pushes, shoves, clawing, pulling hairs out and scrathes to get that particular bag. The price? Weeeellllll.. not exactly the RM19 which I was telling about.. it is RM65. No.. do not roll your eyes at me.. IT IS AFTER ALL MY $$$$$

And I also need a new black bag to replace my sadly widely torn, flea bitten black bag. Ehem, not exactly flea bitten but it does look like it.Therefore.. I can't just possibly bring it to interview right..? I need a bag that screams I had grown up.. and look 22 in spite of my short stature and baby fat face. (Yes Yes.. Hear the pathethic shopaholic make excuses for herself)

Imagination

Been less than a week I am a non student..
Kinda weird.. not freeing.. Needed to wait for the examination result..
Dial up Internet sucks.. I cant wait to let broadband into my life.
Life now is numbing.. It is as exactly as whut I imagined it would be
Constant boredom with temporary relief. My imagination who used to be such a good companion... now is killing me.. It just gave me pain now..
Thank God for the few friends who kept their words in contacting me.. I doesnt need to go out.. Just a simple.. joke.. hey ya.. wutcha doin.. but NOOOO.. so I am forced to resort to the unreasonable and the unthinkable.. talk to my baby niece on the telephone in front of her like I am some kind of idiot.. No wonder she giggles uncontrollably.. She probably think whut is that stupid idiot of an aunt doing talking to the phone by herself. Ah well.. my niece is kinda cute when she's not bawling her tonsils out.. so it is worth it being some kind of an idiot in front of her. At least she appreciate it. Ok.. I am officially pissed and down.. so I better stop..

Close a Chapter

All my bags are packed I am ready to go..
Not quite pack I guess.. Most of clothes I had packed.
I thought my bags wont be enough to 'tampung' the abundance of my clothes.. But not only it is enough.. it is more than enough. Which I wondered. Do I need to buy new clothes?

Tonight is the last night I will be spending my life as a student in UTP. I had been feeling sad this past few weeks. Knowing I will be missing this life. But my tiredness in packing my stuffs is overriding my feeling of melancholia. But since I had promised myself to write a blog entry during my last night.. so here I am still hanging on even though my eyes is half closed.

It had been great living in UTP. 4 and half years back.. I thought I will never get to this stage, that I wont be matured enough, that I am not ready enough. I am now almost to this stage.. yet the maturity and the readiness.. is not quite there yet. A part of me will always be here.. With my memories of my loved ones and my friends. From the shabbiness of Propana to the modern and comfy hostel of Village 4, from living side by side with hostile USM students as lowly junior until becoming one of the kakak seniors frequenting the hi tech offices, labs and classes at the new academic block, from being a virtual unknown DaRn_sWeEt_tHiNg to become an obsessed chatter nicknamed elara in utp MIRC network... This is my life here. I had made friends, became enemies, made new friends, sworn lifetime loyalty to each others.. I had met wonderful wonderful guys who change my world, make my world spinned and quivered and crashed, and yet still taking this pieces with me even though some of em are painful, it is necessary for me to remember.... that behind the pain sometimes lies a sweet memory. And perhaps hope...

I cannot say convicingly that I known better or am wiser rather than 4 years back..but I know that I am a bit tembam.. have more clothes than 4 years back, laugh a little less, gain many invaluable friends, and have an abundance of memories that I know I can't recreate again.
Today.. I close a chapter in my life. Tomorrow.. I will looked back around me for the very last time.. and knows that I had loved, suffered, cried , laughed and lived here.

UTP Batch June 2000
A***** A** B****

Tomorrow's Gone

I am sad.. why? see the topic laa

Just got back from Tambun Water Park
Yes Yes.. I know.. I was suppose to do my FYP thingies about 10 years ago.. But hey.. I am a procrastinator. The waterpark.. was a blast. It is a bit costly for just 2 'ride' and 2 'dips' ( ask me if u want details.. I am a lazy ass blogger) but it was fun nonetheless. Not many cute guys there.. Shucks.. hehe One detected .. only I got a glance. So dont really count.. but who cares right.. I am gettin jiggy with my GALFRENS and that whats matters.. (before we all get married and get fat and too embarassed to get in the water). The hot water 'spa pond' was the highlight of the evening. It was really really good.. to my body.. As my IRC Name "Some Like It Hot" and I do like it HOT!!.. How i wish I could crack that jokes to someone that can get my kinda jokes that evening LOL. The waterpark was a beautiful place too.. with beautiful rock limestone hills.. I love beauty.. I love nature.. Go Figures~ But it was beautiful.. I felt a twinge of regret that I didnt get to tour the whole park. It was really quite nice.. nature combined with man made buildings waterpark . I was too busy dipping myself in the pool. It was fun all right. We bring the whole park down... with our screams, antics, laughters and crazy games. We were a drama queen all right that day. Oh..shine thou spotlight on thee.. thee get so little? hehe Anyway.. even with all that. There is a little gloom in my head. I can't seem to forget ..... This is bad .. bad.. bad..

And now.. I am waiting.. to say audieu.. only .. not there. And I am waiting like a fool I am. Thats what I am.

The Last Night of Puasa in UTP

I am writing my blog here? why becoz currently there is notInternet UTP.. Yeah.. Actually there is internet in UTP, only that hell..only we can accessed Friendster, elearning, utusan and just the google pgLife is boring.. because non existent of Internet? Perhaps.. that can be a factorOr Do I suddenly realized I am actually a very lonely person. I dont know.. the thoughts r frightening. I wanna write continuously about nothing.. Thats why so few of u out there know my blog..Perhaps i will give the add later to Marquis.. But later.. not now.. before I graduate I guess..And ppls will see how dreadfully boring I really am.

I have this crazy resolution that I wanna slim down. Why? I just hate the incessant dig and snide ofme gaining weight. I dont mind "oh.. berat u dah naik" kinda remark..But the constant remark on my gaining weight, and other things sometimes pisses me off. I am not THAT beauty conciousBut.. hey gals r vain.. we r beauty concious.. (most of us anyway).. and this remark can hurt us in littleways some ppls wont imagine. I dont hold it against em.. I am just tired of hearing it.. Thats all.. I meant think if I told u everyday that you have this incredible looking thing that looks like a growth on ur face..Would YOU like it?

I am a pretty nice genial , happy go lucky, trying to think positive about someone kinda person. But sometimesI slip.. and I guess.. ppls slip too when it comes to me. I hurt back the ppls who hurt me.. Thats whut I do. If theydont.. I really2 do like em.. But sometimes.. pelik laks why some ppls can be so 'hurtful'.

oh well..Now.. the hols are drawing closer.. my student days are ending.. it is sad.. it is numbing.. I will be leaving a placeI called home, I will be leaving countless friends, I will be leaving the ever famous UTP MIRC NETWORK, I will be leaving ppls I care about, I will be leaving the environment that had come dear to me, I will be leaving life of weekends at the movie,late night eating out, laughing uproariously at my friends antic, chatting till the wee hour of the morning, taking long nap in the afternoon... I will be going to a life called working life.. AND I JUST KNOW I WILL GAIN WEIGHT AGAIN ..argh~

I really, really dont know

I can't say it to anybody else..(except Lan).. But I am temporarily single..There I said it. But I can't say whats keep on shouting in my head since, I am self concious that the names that is being constantly playing in my mind will read this and hate me.

I admired peoples who can be honest without flinching. For the first time, I know what despair is. I can't say to my boyfriend.. that I love him.. cause I truly don't know what I am feeling. All I know.. I will welcome this numbing feeling in my heart rather than the suffering of being dishonest. I can't really say to anyone.. not even Lan what I really want. Since I got the feeling that what I want is wrong wrong wrong and even worst.. won't be accepted. If anyone stumble upon this blog, they wont know an inkling what the hell I am writing about. I am afraid of my own feeling. I am afraid I will wake up one day and lose everything. I am afraid that I will wake up one day and gain everything but losing the one thing that really matters to me. I am afraid someone am repulse by me.

I thought I wanted everything.. but I was wrong.. now the only thing that I want is you

To Say or Not To Say?

The lamest of the lame!!!!

Last night my friends and I had a conversation on the most lamest pickup line or act on picking people up we ever had. And what I about to relate are an honest to goodness real life peoples spouting nonsense from their mouth and doing some pretty dumb stuff in makin them look even dumber...

1. A guy on a bus ask a girl sitting beside him (showing her his bus ticket stub). "Eh, awak tahu tak ape maksud2 nombor2 ni ye? Dari dulu lagi saya pikir.. macam tak masak akal.. bla bla" (while the girl gape at this stupid guy who is obviously asking such an unfounded dumb question.. while the guy are inching closer to the girl)

2. "Siti Nurhaliza!!.. Siti kan?? kan??" (This honestly happened).. this is lame if the girl do not minat Siti at all.

3. The guy ask "Apa nama awak?" , the girl reply "Suzana" (Bukan nama sebenar =p), the guy continues, "Awak ni Suzana, suka betul la tengok bukit-bukit kat luar ni.. Apa kata saya bagi nick name kat away Suzana Bukit, macam mesra kan?" (whut the hell?????)

4. A guy give a girl his phone number despite various attempts by the girl to deflect that from happening.. then.. he thrust it (the phone number) into her hands.. while continuously blocking her way "Awak janji awak akan call saya... Janji tau.. janji tau.. Janji betul2 pada saya awak akan call saya....Saya nak dengar awak kata awak janji!!" .. and the girl nodding furiously to stop the advances from the obviously psychotic guy

5. (this is more like an act).... A girl found herself being stalked continuously while shopping at a mall.. When at the batteries section, he's there..when at the cereal section he's there.. when at the pastry section. he's there... Alas.. the girl found herself in the arrr 'tuala wanita' section he is there looking at the same stuff as she are!!!.. Which then he blocked her way and asked for her phone number.. This is lame.. because.. guys.. please do not ask a girl her phone number while she is shopping for her sanitary pms stuff!! (This is like an advertisement in TV.. i know i know.. but i did not make the scenario up, it really did happened.. which is hilariously funny when think about it later on.. since got a sneaking feeling that probably this guy got this idea from watching this particular advertisement... PLEASE DO NOT ACT OUT THINGS BEING DONE IN TV)

6. Stalking a girl at a toilet and pinning her to the wall.. spitting sweet nonsense which could have been sweet if the situation hadnt been scary... this is actually sexual harassment..Therefore guys should also be aware on what consitutes as sweet, lame or just plain harassment...

Ahh.. needs to type my report.. will continue further on if rajin~
Ciao~~

Independence Day

Today is Merdeka.. hip hip hurray for Malaysia ...
We had come a long way I guess.. but there is still a lot to be improve on..
BUT I AM PROUD TO BE A MALAYSIAN
Patriotism is something deep down .. not something that you just shout at every once a year.. and I hope all of us remember that

I am very sleepy today.. and Just suddenly thought of my blog that is sadly lacking my attention.. But I have better things to do kut.. (yeah rite)
hihihi

I know.. it needed a hell lotsa improvment.. BUT I JUST DONT HAVE THE ENERGY NOR TIME TO DO IT.. the fact that I kept forgetting my password didnt help either..

Malas

Hari ini saye sgt malas:

• Kerana kena jumpa sv esok tp tadek progress
• Kena tepon sketeri kompeni nk wat FYP yg tataw ape2 utk wat pojek
• Ade quiz yg pyscho
• Ade nyamuk bwh meja
• Jdorama yg dicari tak jumpa.. bdk v5 majuk kaa??
• Fax surat tak dpt.. pastu UTP nye staff tak kasik pon laie nk fax laie.. Vudus tul..#$%^&)^$$#^ words that cannot be utter again

Minggu dpn saya akan malas laie kerana:

• Jumpa sv laie walaupun tadek progress
• Tepon laie sketeri kompeni utk wat FYP
• Kene wat progress report
• Jdorama tu mungkin tak dpt jumpa laie
• Kena bungkus bunga

Skian Terima Kasih~