Thursday, September 29, 2005

Forgiven?

I slept late last night. Common if you are feeling restless. Look at the post below.

Anyway, I dreamt. Common occurences. Yet, I dreamt that he was explaining or (soothing?). It felt so real for a moment. Well at first. Then the dream proceed about all the gift wrap thingies and letters thingies that he gave, and straight away I knew even when I was dreaming that it is a dream. It is just NOT his thing.

Oh, I do not kid myself that perhaps the dream will come true since after that I also dreamt of some cannibalistic vampires disguised as airport workers roaming around in an airport and I killed them all with some weird aluminium weapon.

Yet, after I woke up. I was feeling at peace again. I am not angry anymore. I felt like somehow that dream itself had done its magic or cure. Lucky guy. He wouldn't even have to do anything and let my subsconcious self do all the things.

Why I was angry? It do not matter anymore. Since me being me, of course would just let it go then. But I know .... somehow this wouldn't be the end of it. Because somehow between the both of us this is almost like a game. I can't put a name to it. He wouldn't think so. I know. He's the more sensible one. I am never sensible if I can help it. So, I am sorry. Now... I am almost making sense now isnt it?

Rant. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. @$*@@#%#

Now, whut the hell? I stay silent you accused me of being out of it ? I speak, you fobbed me off and wanting me to shut up? What the hell is wrong? Make up your mind already. Either you be civil to another person or get them out of your face. I speak here because it seems this is the only medium some peoples will hear. Fine.

Then.. I am tired. I am really tired. Please, just marry me off to an old fob. Then he died early, I get his house and I can spend the rest of my days making voodoo dolls and throw darts at em.

Suffer the lil children. Muahahhaha.

Note:
Commenting is off for this post. Don't look for it.

Another Note:
Uuuuu.... blogging is good for anger management. Yeps yeps. Good activities. Make people stay out of prison.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Secret Seven?

Me me.. all me. I had been tagged by El. Thanks El, since I had run out of idea to blog ever since I am in 7th Heaven with my obsession. Right. Anyhow.. here it goes.

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Volunteer work
2. Go to Pompeii
3. Have mindless sex. No? Ok. Change that to getting married.
4. Watch Phantom of The Opera or Chicago, live! (That meant the grand ol stage baby!)
5. Learn back all my lost musical skills
6. Pay back my loans!
7. Look him at the eye at least once.

Seven things I could do ( I do not quite understand this part):
1. Give more to charities , not own clothes welfare
2. Slim down more. OK. That is impossible. I change it to buy more expensive clothes!
3. Buy Chronicles of Narnia and finish it before the movie come out in December.
4. Buy new handphone.
5. Sleep less. Dream more.
6. Go out with more peoples.
7. Go to Langkawi with my friends!

Seven celebrity crushes:
1. Matsumoto Jun :: heart skip more than a beat I assure you ::
2. Fujiki Naohito :: swoon ::
3. Matthew McConaughey
4. Ashton Kutcher
5. Ryan Reynolds
6. Ewan McGregor
7. Angelina Jolie ( I know, I know.. but who wouldnt eh?)


Seven often repeated words:
1. Ape?
2. Whut?
3. Huh?
4. Hahahhaha
5. Hurmph
6. Eeeeeeewk~
7. .......................

Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex :
1. Tall
2. A bit fair
3. Nicely built shoulder
4. Gorgeous soft hair. Not too slick, just enough that I can rumple.
5. Strong looking hand
6. That little smile
7. The half smiling eyes

Seven tags go to ( OK, I dont think I have enough to go around.. so I tag 3 since thats my fav no!):
1. Kran
2. Taqi
3. Shima

Hey, I thought it was a breeze. But it can be quite hard when you sit down and really thought.. what a woman really want?

Monday, September 26, 2005

Obsess

Its been a while. I have been obsessed with gathering back all Gokusen manga, anime and drama. Right now I have started on drama and manga. But not yet the anime. It is quite hard to find since it is licensed I think.

No matter. I will continue on. Now this will probably go on for a while. Since when I am in my obsession rampage, nothing much will comes into my mind. Quite a good thing considering my past obsession is bad for my health and sanity.

I was also busy in gathering back all my lost files. My harddisk was corrupted. All 80g of its. Pitiful. I lost all my mp3, my series and movies. Some of it I have yet to see. I especially felt the loss is my Buffy series on season 1 and 2. It was a fun season back then. Ridiculous laughable. And my Kill Bill and Resident Evil dvd-ripped too. Damn. I was gonna watch that again. And all my sex and the city season!!! Lament.. lament. How very bad. This should teach me a lesson to burn all my beloved season. But it is ever so tiring. And take so long. When I was in UTP, I do not have much time for it. Much less when I am working now.

And my mp3 files. Some of its are irreplaceable. I was also beside myself since I thought I had lost Ken Hirai Rakuen. Then I remembered that I had burn some of my mp3. All was not lost. Phew~ I am only trying to find back all mp3. Not all of them was lost thanks to the CD and my laziness to move the mp3 files from the IRC folder to the designated one. The series and movies will take so much time and money. I have to do without em.

But I will search for more series nonetheless. Ahead with my obsession now.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Gokusen 2

I had finished watching Gokusen 2. Can't. Get. Enough.
Now.. I really hate it to end because I miss Sawada Shin.. since I want Gokusen 3 to come out with Sawada Shin coming back too! The guys in Gokusen 2 was cool and more handsome! But still not the same as Sawada.
And now I need to work and work required around the clock concentration and no more being a dreamer-lazy-student, I have to snap myself out of reverie from revising back all the Gokusen drama series and fantasies that I would be able to see Sawada again.
And really really hope....will have Gokusen 3 with Sawada and Yankumi together geder.

::Update::

Gokusen 2 Special

For some time now there has been rumours of a Gokusen 2 Special.. Well my dear Gokusen 2 fans... A special has been set to air on October 8th from 9:00pm to 11:30pm on NTV..According to Kame's JWeb post.. the cast of Gokusen 2 met on August 29th to film a student reunion.
It should never end!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Single and Unavailable

People are confused with the status of my socialness. Am I single? Yet why did I kept on seeing my ex?

I really hate talking about this. Because no matter how hard I try to explain it, peoples can't seems to make head nor tails about. I chose being single not because I want to see other peoples. I want to be free within myself. I do not have to answer to anyone on why did I do that. I don't have to invent a reason why I need to go out with other peoples.

The most confusing part about all these are.... I myself now do not want to meet other peoples. If peoples show an interest on me, I would feel almost... despise for them. And I do not want to feel that. And if the peoples who are interested, are interesting and I liked them, then after a while I just lost the feeling. The euphoria only lasted for a while. Then it felt the same. Humdrum.

I myself are not searching for any reason. And when peoples start questioning or gossiping... in the end I just could not care less. In the end, I myself would choose. Not them. They would not do anything but look. You might think what you want, but you do not know the beginning of it why I chose that choice. And I just let you think what you want because I know you never are interested in explanations. Yes, you. So let me choose in my own way, my own time and my own man. It can be anyone, but I kinda hope Orlando Bloom will be in the picture. Hahaha.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Its the little things that hurt!

Recently there had been a little excitement over the blogosphere of Malaysians and Singaporeans. I am of course just an observer.It is quite bewildering to see people hurl insults at each other and I have to say almost entertaining. I am riveted to my seat. Nothing grabs people attention like a little catfight here and there.

But not to make light of the situation, some of em does hurt. Perhaps it hurt our sensibilities, or even our sense. And the saying "Stick and stones can hurt me and words don't" are bullshit. Tell that to the multitude of unattractive peoples all around the world who have to bear the brunt of name calling such as Chubby Flabby or Wart Face. Worse still if people hurl insults to something you care about. Our beliefs, our pride, our family, our friends.

Some people proclaimed themselves as being fair and unbiased and take painstaking efforts to try to relate that image. Deep down, that biasness that had been seeded and growed upon by the peoples around us are bound to surface.

What I find interesting, some peoples try to be self righteous on their own blog but when it came to commenting on what some people might posted then you can see that biasness through and through. It does not take 1 essay to actually hurt. Only 1 thoughtless sentence from an obviously harmless comment can show what you are, sometimes. I say sometimes.. because I am painstakingly try to relate an image saying that you cannot truly know a person just from their opinion, sometimes!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

People Must Be Regulated

You think? Our management in the office had blocked our access to all forms of webmail. In short, anything with the words mail in it, it is blocked.

I think this is to improve.. productivity. Right. Probably we did pore over the yahoo/gmail/hotmail. But really, if a customer was yelling to you demanding why their software is slow/crash/not working when most probably their computer is crap anyway, what we are going to do?. But of course we can't say that. No, we have to grin and bear and just read crap email titled "Life is Beautiful". Usually I rarely on a email frenzy , unless the customer have an exceptional slow computer when it restarted. Or the blissful time when there are no calls.

The service level is low now. Perhaps. Maybe it is due to the overwhelming call or being exhausted being the last to know whatever in the McAfee scene and have to bear the front end attack of it.

Many of my colleagues are understandably enraged. We depends on these entertainment to help us through very bad times. And some very crucial information, I got it from emails too! My friends suddenly wanted to go out. We planned it through emails. I will be yet again even more unsociable.

It is bad, yeps! But the thing is.. people will still be unproductive if there are reason to be. Even in some dingy offices that have no internet connection, people will find a way to be unproductive even if it is hard to be.

In all, I am used to it. Because easy. We are after all IT peoples. We can always find other ways to go around the problems. Probably not getting to the yahoo mail. But other alternatives.

With my modem still unreplace, this is going to be a very long week!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Lightning Crashes

Got back from work around 10p.m yesterday. Was just about to go into the house and noticed my sister's fiance car blocking the gate. Great. No worries. Park on the side for a moment then. Notice my friend car in the house and the house is lighted up. Weird. It is 10 pm. Usually by this time the house is still quiet.

Went inside. Was met by my sister. She looks mildly anxious. And my friend so willingly do my bidding to park the car inside too. The alarm goes off my head. My sis said:

"Bad news..."

In my head went a thousand possibilities. Someone died? Mom? Grandma? Someone in an accident? Someone lose a job? The house burnt down? Wait. I am in the house. Pretty incredible what a mind can conceived in a matter of half a second. My sister's continued.

"There was a storm. Your computer had been struck. I think its the modem, but the computer is gone too.. "

She looks at me like I was gonna lose my head and ran out screaming. My friend is also now looking at me anxiously. I quickly made my way upstairs. And seen my sister's fiance is taking out all my computer 'insides'... (*tsk.. *tsk).

"How bad is the damage?" , Me saying lor
"Can't say.. have to look a bit further.."

My sister is entreating me to eat first. Hermm.. Decided to humour myself by playing with my niece first and then eating later. My sister fiance's Abg Yin take out the RAM to test if it is still OK. So overall on the condition of my computer? I have no idea. Have to go to Low Yat then this Sunday.

It seems like my sisters were afraid I was freaking out. In truth.. I am not! I am a bummed out, yes. But still, there's nothing to be done about it. Unless my LCD monitor is gone too, then probably I will still be in my bed right now and sucking my thumb.

They were all so anxious and were hoping that I will just get to sleep after getting back from the work and maybe the computer will miraculously healed itself. Fat hope on both! I think they think after knowing my computer had 'rosak', I will fling myself out from the window. Do I look that computer-internet-addicted to you?

Btw.. this means less blogging activities!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Short and Small

Look what The Star have:

"There are now some 970,000 Perodua vehicles on the road. The Kancil model is the most popular with 400,000 units sold"

I could almost swear there are almost a million out there. Only 400,000? Weirdness. Definitely some conspiracy thingies going on here.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Just For Kicks

Contemplating.. everything else.

I felt like I am in a rut. Feel tired, slightly bored and no spirit for anything else. When I bought some new clothes, I was thinking. "What is this for?". Dress up to shop some more? It is like a vicious cycle.

I rarely go out now and socialize. All I ever felt like doing is sleeping and clicking. I felt no more in primping myself up and trying to look my best. However sometimes I do strain myself for it. Yet, it lack the lustre.

How can everybody else is happy and contented but I am not?

Every Lil Thing

It had come yet again when I am at loss on what to blog about. There are so many topics in the whole world. My feeling? My thoughts? My observation? As some peoples might say.. it is my damn blog and I can post whatever damn topic I want to. So let's... blog insensibly but in a clear manner. How? I will just outline the topic very clearly and ramble on.

Tiredness. (Clear aight?)
I received an email some weeks/days ago about a quiz asking 'Are You Depressed?". How do I score? I am very much depressed to the point of clinically depressed and are recommended to seek help. That is not good at all. I always received good quiz marks. The type that in Cleo.. the ranging from "Are You Knowledgeable in ..Ehem..?", "Are You Psycho?", "Are You Co-Dependent?"... I meant I always got the result saying along the line that I am normal and can live with other humans. I am dissapointed at my ability to answer mind boggling quiz now.

Wedding Card.
I just got back from Johor and lounging in the sofa. My sis and her fiance are laughing at a wedding card. She tossed it to me so that I can joined in. And I laughed too. Honestly, it is as bad as a wedding card goes. I had seen some really original and beautiful one, (a scroll and photo album..) but I rarely see an ugly one. Most people who lacks originality/budget/could not give a damn.. will just opted for a simple wedding card. But these couple, not only did they put their picture on it but the colors itself... bright red? The design looks some cheap Valentine card that Ocean or Jusco might sell. And the couple .The would be bride.. was so mercilessly poke fun at by us. Her make up, her ear and arr.. she looked 'manly' , even more so that the bridegroom hugging her in the picture. Now.. to not feel my own medicine.. I will not put my picture in my wedding card!

Books.
I went back to JB as I mentioned. Seen that my mom had decorated her built-in panelling thingies. With our pictures, some medals, her various collection of non-describable items. And to my delight, she had gotten out all of my books from my school years. Ohhh.. all those simple love stories I love to read (Boy Meet Girl, Invite for A Pizza, Kiss, Happy Forever ), my collection of L.M Montgomery/Enid Blyton ( did I mentioned I am sucker for young adults/children classic books.. even till now!), my R.L Stine/ Christopher Pike books/Nancy Drew series (my primary schoolish reading materials).
And this one book. I remembered when I was in standard 2. My dad bought me a book, about a girl discovering herself. It is all about first love , first sex and pregnancy. I don't think so my dad know the content though, I think he just pick it up. Now.. a standard 2 girl reading about that? I did finished it. Only that it didnt make much sense then. I read it again when I was in secondary.. then I think I might understand. But still the book is deep... and frightening. I cant remember the title of the book now nor the author. Its not popular or anything. Just something to ponder about.
And I am still continuously reading and buying books. I have to buy a really large bookcase when I got a house of my own. Right now am reading Michael Crichton, Airframe. My thoughts on it.. not my cup of tea. Too much engineering jargon. Peoples know I hate engineering jargon and stuffs. How the hell did I kept on entangling myself with engineering peoples... I have to blame UTP for that.

Kolej Matrikulasi Melaka
Before heading to KL. Hantar my brother there. Pitiful state of place. The padang is not grassy, but filled with 'kemuncup', (I have no idea what the English name are). The hostel looks like something of a flat in a Hong Kong slums. How different compared to the UITM that is near it. Yet, I know the students there must have love their place to bits even though they may not felt like it the first few months. How well did I know the feeling!

****
I had edited something. I had not posted it. More like write it then delete it. Feeling angry to self is evaporated. Knowing it does me no good. Reading it again brings fresh stabs of pain... yet I just want to convince myself... It is not a dream. It must had not been one. Because dreams come true. So I will put the topic as.... Stupid Lil Me. Hurray... for whatever. I can opt to cheer myself since it is my bloody damn blog (sarcasm and pun intended).

So that's that.

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