You see, I always wanted to say something serious here. Not becoz I wanted to make a difference or whatever, I don't care for things like that. I am nearing 23! So I am jaded already.. haha. But I just like to mull things over. There are something that try as you might. Other won't understand. Like Taqi trying to understand what the hell I was trying to say on my last post. But I remembered telling him, I won't tell him too much about whats in my heart and head now. I am afraid of jinxing it. And even telling it a little, I think I had manage to jinx it. Its just when others don't know about things, you don't feel as suffocated. Its refreshing to not have peoples watching you, calculating your moves, gauging your feelings. It can be apain trying to hold it all in by urself. But in a way.. its a whole new feeling I need to explore.
I have this creeps about older guys. I have a bad experience when. I won't tell. But I hate it when older guys , sizing you up, looking at you, and a smile lurking. It is so creepy. I have this creeps about a guy around my house who's keep on watching me even though I am at his back. I am not imagining things nor am I vain. I know when a guy look at me or not. And from his eyes.. I dont like it. Its not like I think he will jump on me. Just that sometimes, from the eyes you can almost see what they are thinking.
Women have it hard. We need to be wary all the time. And if something bad happened to us, the dirt will usually leveled on the women. I remembered a rape and murder case of a 16 year old. The media was really intent in trying to find out if the gal was a tramp at school. No one deserve that, whatever they do, tramp or not. Thats why I hate the media in Malaysia. Not because of political reason. It is so full of prejudice and misperceptions of our community itself. I am not talking of only Malay. Chinese, Indians, Bidayuh.. all of us share the same guilt. Being through the horrendous experience was traumatic enough, but people then throwing askance looks at you, and wondering what kinda life you led.... thats is even more damaging than the act performed by the animal itself. Our way of healing thought by many is probably is to shut our mouth and locked her away. Many of you out there would probably say things like, no.. thats not the way how it works, we are an understanding lots. How many of us really do understands what they went through.... I remembered when I was in school, I was shock to discover, that there are quite a number of gals I knew had experienced traumatic experience on sexual abuse. I am talking about abuses suffered when you are less than 10 year old. If any of your comments will try to make excuse that it is the girl fault.. I will find you and skinned you alive. And don't say that no one would blame a little girl. I had known peoples who do blame them. See what kinda community we do live in,right. I am not saying I am upholding justice.. or whatever. Just try to see what sicks human being we had turn out to be. When even a little girl was not spared, either by the act itself or by the accusatory stares and tones of the so called sympathetic community. Even in our own kinds (women), we can't find solace. And in turn, we can only rely on oneself and try to make life bearable day by day. I saw my friends one by one crumbled under the unbearable burdens trying to keep the memory out. Some of us succed, some of us not. Those who succeed may be sitting next to you, laughing, crying, joking over petty everyday things. Those who not... are destroying the essence of their lives even as I type now. a
I have this creeps about older guys. I have a bad experience when. I won't tell. But I hate it when older guys , sizing you up, looking at you, and a smile lurking. It is so creepy. I have this creeps about a guy around my house who's keep on watching me even though I am at his back. I am not imagining things nor am I vain. I know when a guy look at me or not. And from his eyes.. I dont like it. Its not like I think he will jump on me. Just that sometimes, from the eyes you can almost see what they are thinking.
Women have it hard. We need to be wary all the time. And if something bad happened to us, the dirt will usually leveled on the women. I remembered a rape and murder case of a 16 year old. The media was really intent in trying to find out if the gal was a tramp at school. No one deserve that, whatever they do, tramp or not. Thats why I hate the media in Malaysia. Not because of political reason. It is so full of prejudice and misperceptions of our community itself. I am not talking of only Malay. Chinese, Indians, Bidayuh.. all of us share the same guilt. Being through the horrendous experience was traumatic enough, but people then throwing askance looks at you, and wondering what kinda life you led.... thats is even more damaging than the act performed by the animal itself. Our way of healing thought by many is probably is to shut our mouth and locked her away. Many of you out there would probably say things like, no.. thats not the way how it works, we are an understanding lots. How many of us really do understands what they went through.... I remembered when I was in school, I was shock to discover, that there are quite a number of gals I knew had experienced traumatic experience on sexual abuse. I am talking about abuses suffered when you are less than 10 year old. If any of your comments will try to make excuse that it is the girl fault.. I will find you and skinned you alive. And don't say that no one would blame a little girl. I had known peoples who do blame them. See what kinda community we do live in,right. I am not saying I am upholding justice.. or whatever. Just try to see what sicks human being we had turn out to be. When even a little girl was not spared, either by the act itself or by the accusatory stares and tones of the so called sympathetic community. Even in our own kinds (women), we can't find solace. And in turn, we can only rely on oneself and try to make life bearable day by day. I saw my friends one by one crumbled under the unbearable burdens trying to keep the memory out. Some of us succed, some of us not. Those who succeed may be sitting next to you, laughing, crying, joking over petty everyday things. Those who not... are destroying the essence of their lives even as I type now. a
Comments
-iceroll-
i have a cousin who die because of AIDS and my mom with all her heart had offer to my autie to place my cousin at my home. my cousin is a nice person but because of his frenz influence, he fell in drug trap. so after he dead, the community telah abandon my mom because they afraid if the AIDS can get attached to them (what a pathethic silly ppl). don't they know that AIDS cannot disburst through air. and one more thing...he's already dead, so pls show some respect to him even though he's not a nice-wise man when he live but pls do something to respect his death. and my mom as a important person at our community had been abandoned without they considering waht my mom had done to our community. what a bull-s. after the funeral, my mom promise to herself, she will abandoned the community if they really want it. and as 4 month goes, the community feel that they need my mom so they call her number back. and without having any intention to revenge, my mom attend back the community. in the abandoned period, almost no kenduri kahwin, any type of occasion will be issued to my mom, means that my mom is not invited to the occasion. but that thing easily forgot by my mom but not by me.