Thursday, March 31, 2005

A Season Of Madness for SIngledom

I am just exaggerating the topic. I felt it is madness for me in my single state. Why? Oh Sheeshh... In a day.. I had turned down 2 dates. Not from lousy men that doesnt worth your time. No No.. One of them, is a very very very cute guy. I am still lamenting myself why I did not go out with him. Why dila? You obviously wanted to a few months back. He's cute. He's tall. He's funny. I know I will have a hell of a time with him.. But why? Maybe because of the wrong timing. I meant he asked me right out on the day when I was feeling crappy and wearing crappy clothes. No cute guys will see me at not my best.. No No No.. hahha. Blame the media for making women feeling they have to be at their ultimate superior best. So guys.. if a girl said not... It does not necessarily means "not interested", sometimes it is " ask me again.. pretty please". Such a waste... I am sure he won't ask me again.

And of them, is from a very very sweet guy. Why? I don't know. It just seems so.. well.. I will sure be tongue tied (me?), and it just seems...I don't know. It just seems like something that I wouldnt want to start. And I hope he doesnt mind much. I do like him.. just that.. well its all that is. I just like him.

So? Am I really feeling this? OR am I just just making xcuses to myself.. becoz I still wanna be treated invisible by HIM? Oh.. I hate this... Sometimes I hope we lived in the 19th century where our parents make the choices and we can blame them and society for that mistake.
So I now have work to bury my pretty head in. It is very useful to have a job and workloads that piled a waist high (literally, seriously). You can stop feeling sorry for yourself and not be so vain.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Crash Boom Bang

Just feeling blue blue blues~~ Baah~.. So I will paste this one of my all time fav. Probably I am just making excuses from picking up my niece toys.

Just one of those songs that sometimes seems true true true..

Crash Boom Bang - Roxette

my papa told me to stay out of trouble
"when you've found your man make sure he's for real"
i've learned that nothing really lasts forever
i sleep with the scars i wear that won't heal
they won't heal

cos every time i seem to fall in love
crash! boom! bang!
i find the heart but then i hit the wall
crash! boom! bang!
that's the call that's the game and the pain stays the same

i'm walking down this empty road to nowhere
i pass by the houses and blocks i once knew
my mama told me not to mess with sorrow
but i always did and lord i still do
i'm still breaking the rules
i kick it up
i kick it down

cos every time i seem to fall in love
crash! boom! bang!
i find the heart but then i hit the wall
crash! boom! bang!
that's my real middle-name
it has always been the same
that's the call that's the game and the pain stays the same

i still feel the heat
slowly fallin' from the sky
and the taste of the kissing
shattered by rain
comin' tumblin' from behind
and the wild holy war
i kick it up
i kick it down

and every time i seem to fall in love
crash! boom! bang!
i find the roses dying on the floor
crash! boom! bang!
that's the call that's the game and the pain stays the same
that's my real middle-name
it has always been the same
oh yea oh yea oh yea uh-huh
been the same been the same
it has always been the same

I'm in love with a dream

I havent touched that much on this topic. Perhaps it is.. hard, painful.. and frightening. I'm not those peoples who are afraid to get into commitment. You can always bounce back.

But yet.. everyday.. My hope is diminishing, and this makes my dreams even more solid. I mean.. the ever sung out song "My Heart Will Go On". We may on hearing the songs played, wanted to turn it off or changed it to another station. Still .. how really can our love goes on, knowing the other party not interested or not there anymore. Can we really build an artificial life and surround us with many masks and faces.. and in our head we build these really lovely fairytale. Knowing that these are the best that we have at this time and perhaps forever. In reality.. if Jack never died in that ship, Rose will probably get irritated with him drawing naked women in America to make a living aight and whacked him becoz of her uh undying love for him?

I am much too young to be a cynic and jaded about life and love. Somehow as I always said before.. I am weary of the game. It had worn me down. I am left tattered, battered and fending for my mind. How fortunate it is for actors and actress, for a while to be a a different person and forget who you are. Because I certainly can't forget who I am.. even though I am playing pretends.

So.. let me build my Spanish or French or Danish castle in the clouds and my hero saved me everyday and I will save him every other day.. where the peoples are loyal, my heart are true, love is genuine and heroics cherished. Because right now.. that is what made me happy in a sad lonely kinda way. Strangely.. having children never been one of my dreams.. Hmmmmm~~

Friday, March 25, 2005

I can't think of a topic

I got to thinking.. how many peoples changed our life. Not changed it to the profound-i-found-life-is-exciting kinda way. But how our life intermingled with them.. and we find ourselves doing some things the same way that they do.
I remembered this one guy who I absolutely crazy head over heels with. We used to write these letters. Until now.. I still write my "2" as the same way he did. Maybe I used to love him, hate him and then disregard him. But still he had left something permanent on me. His "2".
And how one girl who introduced me to lipstick, mascara and powder and stuffs. We had our tiffs, differences, catfights and hardly talk today.. but still.. She had molded a little bit of who I am today, then.
And how I got these habits on chewing on my knuckles when I am dreaming of particular unpleasant thoughts from my mom... even though most of us vow never to be like our parents.
Peoples may want or force to change us. But they do it unconciously. SO the term. NEVER CHANGE THE WAY YOU ARE. is rubbish. We just can't help it. So.. accept who I am. I am who I am because what all of you had made me.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Why Do I Even Bother?

Why? I don't know. I guess some peoples like to build their hopes up high. Or I guess some peoples just won't give up. But I never used to be these type of peoples you see. I don't have that high of an ambition. And if things get tough.. I usually just forgot it. I meant .. why should I give a damn. Life is interesting enough aight? But.. now every little things count, I build my castle high up in the cloud, and I just won't stop.

Thank God for every little things in life that make your life seems bearable and worth living. When i broke up with a boyfriend once, someone told me not to do anything stupid as in (suicide). I retorted back.."I am not THAT stupid". I never had much patience with those attempting lame suicide. I mean lame because they just do it to get attention, not actually wanna die. But in the process it will 'menyusahkan' everybody. If you really wanna die, you won't just swallow 8 panadols right? I would have gone to Clorox. I mean if I am thinking of suicide, hanging is kinda difficult .... i mean the work of tying all those knot, then hanging it on ceiling or something. And I am short. Maybe those who hang themselves most of em are tall peoples. Gun would be quicker, but getting a gun in Malaysia is kinda difficult I think. Not to mention if you shoot your brain out. It will be messy, I don't fancy myself with a hole in me. And forget about throwing yourselves from a 10-storey building. I can't even bring myself to look down from my room on the top floor (3rd floor) at UTP. So i guess poison is the most logical things aight?
But.. I remembered a ceramah agama I went to hear lately, (Dont laugh) the ustaz said that when Kiamat come, all living things will die and this include Izrail (the angel who take life). And when Izrail turn comes, he will say to God, "If this is the pain of death, then I should had been more gentle when taking away the souls of man". So..I guess death is not easy and also the thoughts of spending eternal life in hell is not really tempting. So.. make our life worthwhile everyday by appreciating every day. Sheeshh... how "Over the Rainbow" I sounded for a while. But the thing is.. as a Moslem, Islam teached us to have hope everyday and never forget that our duty is to God and our life is His for the taking. So I hope God forgive me for sometimes losing hope and thinking all is loss for me.

So for my little pleasures in life.. this is one of it. It is my niece. Isnt she the cutest little thing.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

A Week of Mgmt Trainee

Well.. not quite a week just yet. I am still in my baju kurung even though its 11 pm already. I am much too lazy today. Since I had been hard at work giving priority on which car needed to be towed. Yeah.. I didnt say it before. I work in BCB Finance. At first glance it kinda sucks. But.. then I guess I will get used to it.

In the first day, I went from asiajaya to BCB with a taxi. Cost rm5. Damn... but then.. who cares. Dont wanna create a bad first impression. When I got there I ate my first breakfast as a working woman alone~ How sad. I havent even got my things-to-use-or-read when I am alone and bored and eating. Then we went into the HR room where I saw a couple of those from my interview. We greeted hi to each other. Then we follow this akak Lina to another room for us to sigh our contract. It took forever... I think they were just printing the contract as we waited for 3 hrs and more in the room. While we are there, we chatted. The guys in front of me are pretty friendly. One of em reminded me of my brother;shy , unassuming,very polite; so I kinda treated him like my little brother even though he is older than me. I sit with this girl from my interview. She looks kinda sleepy. But she always look sleepy, come to think of it. Herm~ So in this contract, since it is just mgmt trainee thingies we can give 24 hrs notice. So hurray if I want to quit. BUT no annual leave.. like whut? until 6 months we are there. hurmph~ Then we meet with one of the section head who paired us each a boy n gal to each dept. My partner is pretty noisy, kinda like reminded you of those boys you meet when you are in secondary schools.
Since by the time we were given a dept to settle ourselves in , it is already 4pm. So we are not left with nothing much to do but wait till the clock strikes 5.30pm.

Shit, I am much too lazy to finish this. I will continue this again.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Changes

I got a job. Why am I not that much excited about it? Lousy pay? Perhaps. Far? Can be a factor but PJ not that far off.. but still *sigh* (for someone who is so used to KLCC I guess). It is a contract thingies? Can be too.
Maybe after a bit excitement I found out that I will be missing on a whole lot of Singapore television show! How very sad. I have to left the fate of Meiman, Meili and Meide unknown. And when will I get to see my episodes of Desperate Housewives!! Not too mention.. no more mom's cooking. Not that my sis dont cook great. It is appetizing enough. But still.. mom's cooking. No.. nothing can beat that. And playing the Internet daily! I wonder will I get Internet connection there. I don't set much hope in it. Also kinda wish my mom's not that far off. Have gotten used to her.. and I know she will get bored not too mention irritated with living with my slightly schizoprenic grandma.
But this will help me..in getting money for my mom to repair my father's grave.

Anyhow.. things got a little sad for a while. If you read yesterday paper 13th March 2005, a friend of my brother was killed in a car accident which left no survivor. It is so sad because he is so so young. And he just got his SPM result and I guess just got back from celebrating. On my way to pick up my licence, I had seen the tree he hit, and.. it just felt so sad to see the impact the car left on the tree and the debris of the car still left around.
My brother got back late after getting his SPM result, and even then I was worried. He was not in that unfortunate car or involved in anyway. It just that his friend car broke down just before reaching JB. He hadn't gotten quite as good result as expected. We are all hoping for him to get many many A's because he wants to get into medic. But I dont think so the result will be good enough for medicine. Just so.. I guess he will keep on trying at matriculation. But he is always the one to see on the positive side of things.. so I guess he will be OK.

Well.. I guess no more sleeping in late everyday.. Gotta catch that bus. Work and work... makes dila a dull girl. Hope not. Will go to Petaling Street for my accesories shopping from now on since I dont have a great pay =p~ Yeay!

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Brief respite

I write for my own relief. When emotions run high. And I don't have anybody to turn to. Its not that I don't have friend. There are many of them who claims to be my friends. Its just that.. you know they mean well, yet I know who I am.
I am not making sense. I never did make any sense to those who know me well. So I just don't care even if as I type my fngers are trembling and my cheeks are flushed. And even if these temporary simple happiness comes as rare as rainbow on a dry spell.. yet it make me feel... alive. I couldnt and wouldnt explain more. Because if I did. Would my secret came tumbling out? And people will laugh and pointed at me.. telling it serve me right? Or.. they will shakes their head.. telling me it wouldnt be as I want it to be? So let me be in my dream state as long as possible.. even if every other night tears come... or every other hour I knew that reality is harsher.
Soooooo.... I will just be old cynical yet sometimes foolish dila again. Hurray for foolishness in a person. It makes them young somehow. Yet I feel old.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Let me bored you

Being jobless, leave me alot of times in my hand. I can sleep all day.. but thats get boring every day. I plan to get in touch with my inner musical self again.. but.. it is just a plan.. my musical self is still in hiding. So as most of you who are familiar with me.. I just read. Due to the fast depleting stocks of all my favorite books being read and re-read. I, in turn had turn into boring books. It is boring. I know.. Thats why I tend to bored you since I am bored out of my mind here. I picked up Catcher in The Rye by J.D Salinger. It is a really well publicized and thought as many others as a well written book. Perhaps some of you might had heard it or read it and think it as phenomenal. It is pretty.. well.. extraordinary I might say. It is unlike anything I ever read.
The main issues here is about a cynical adolescent coping with a phony world. And that is all it is. It is descriptive as hell..I read another 2 books in between that book, since the lack of plot..or..destination of the story drives me mad. Perhaps I do not fully appreciate literary works.. or I am just used to commercial kinda books... you know.. the one that sells story about murder, love and sex. But while I was reading this books.. it kinda dawn on me.. on this book describe on what we might be thinking of every single second in a day. I told you it is descriptive. Since I am just a simple girl.. It is kinda bewildering to read one of its review.. since this book actually describes some pyschological distress in making.. herm.. perhaps my grandpapa is right about forbidding me to be a psychiatrist.
Oh well.. I am taking up simple book again.
Oh sod it.. a sad song is playing. Memories all sorts come rushing.. lets click on the publish button and forget it right dila?

Friday, March 04, 2005

Outrage

Hehhe.. I felt an outrage because Jesse the Bachelor had chosen Jessica not Tara. Which proves to me.. true love doesnt exist, lust does, good sense is not appreciated, ditsy is the way to go, and reality dating must had sucks. So no matter how desperate I am, I will not do it because .. the reason is too obvious for me to print it out.

I doesnt really mind Tara being pissed because the guy keeps on saying.. come on, come on.. opened up your feeling. When she finally does, the guy goes running away and chose somebody else. Typical guy behavior if you ask me. All they ever sputters off is how they want a challenge and when the challenge finally opens up.. away he goes.

Ok.. pissed off feeling drains away now. I am not at peace with myself and can go have sleepover at my friend. Herm.. I wonder what she'll be cooking..

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