Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I lost my keys

Damn it! I mean... I put it right there in my wallet. And it is lost. That means.. I have to go back to office tomorrow (in my OFF DAY) so that I can open my locker and give my colleague his things since he was so lazy/forgetful to buy his own key. Hihihi.. trust a forgetful girl to keep your things.

Yesterday... was somewhat like fun to me. No wonder I lighten up. First during lunch, our trainer told us that we will be having dinner together at Madam's Kwan to celebrate our new manager arrival. Most of us then and there, were buzzing and saying they're not going since 1. Pay haven't came in yet 2. Madam's Kwan isn't somewhere you wanna eat at the end of the month. Then came another announcement. The company is paying ... Hurray! But it will at Sundanese. Damn. Becoz I was looking forward to Madam's Kwan. I had been to Sundanese before. Averagish food. Madam's Kwan... haven't been to yet. Later kut.

It was somehow kinda nice because it gave us a chance to get to know each other more outside of work. And surprise surprise, the time to let off some steam. I meant.. hey understandable. There are a few ppls in our midst that we can't stand and kinda nice to not keep it bottled up and as a mild way to say it "shared".

Then at dinner yesterday, the guys were discussing their girlfriends. Ah.. see. Guys do talk about girls animatedly. And they were complaining. One of them my friend Kev said "Women these days arrr. They called themselves independent woman. Then, flowers, present I give. Dinner I pay also. Even parking ticket 1 ringgit doesn't want to pay. Petrol money don't ask la kan. And then by the end of the night, they called themselves an independent woman."

I was laughing my head off. Because somewhat it is true. I am guilty of this sometimes!!! But hey.... my man (then) wanna treat me right, I am not complaining! But of course la, he cannot be the only one picking up the tab. Once in a while girls, go and buy your man an expensive dinner at an expensive restaurant too. He did that much to you, about 3 times more isn't it.

But not that the girls doesn't always wanna pick up the tab. Like me, I will felt like I was cheated and a fool, when I was spending so much for a guy yet he didn't even lift a finger to pay or help or somewhat makes me feel nicer in anyway. So sometimes, these kinda girls who was always wanting for their bfs to pay, may have some bad experience. And doesn't wanna feel like a fool anymore. But hey.. as for me.. If I see he was good to me anyway. I will be more than happy to keep him happy even if that means picking up the tab sometimes.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Numbing still

Owh.. let forget those heart wrenching post below this one. It is written in a somewhat resurfacing grief stricken moment. I am a bit embarassed by that post, but it is of course my baby. It is what I had felt. As for that, I let it be.

I do not know what life will offer to me. I felt like a hundred years old yet there are so many things I want to do. So many things have gone wrong. So many ways I want to set it right again, yet I felt powerless. I can't do this alone. So let it be.

I remembered watching the Butterfly Effect (starring Ashton Kutcher). It was a lovely movie. And what can we do if we could change back the past. Change it somehow, to make it into our lovely little world. And at last, he knew that by not being born he is making his little cirle of world much more better. Kinda morbid isnt it. I am glad I was born. Some peoples even say that I changed their life to the better. It is nice to know that. But... I felt.. as if.. everybody is benefiting with this close personal relationship with me.. but not myself. I felt somehow like a loser. I must have missed out on something. Lesson learned? Experience? Feelings shared? I felt let down. What wisdom I havent learned and impelement yet? Do not trust every word of a guy.. ? Be with someone who treat you right? Break out of my shell?

This is another morbid post. It must be. Because I feel heavy. And I remembered a colleague of mine said that we can know our feelings by our stomach. Not romantic huh? But come to think of it , he's right. I meant if we says.. like get stage fright. Our stomach will be like 'bergelodak', hence the frequent trip to the toilets before we got on the stage and smiled and do our things. And if I were excited to meet a guy I like, I knew I MUST have really, really like him by my frequent trip to the toilet before going out on a date and my stomach I swear must had contained pretty little butterflies after I got back from the date. I felt damn fly~. Damn..now you guys will know why I look a bit thinner when going on a date ^_^ And if I am sad, my stomach will feel like lead and wrenching pain seems to shot through it. So.. I trust my not- so- identical- looking- belly -as- Britney to tell me what I am feeling. If only I can see others feeling as well. Oh yeah.. i took that SEX ID test where yada yada.. I am 50% femalebrain. Thats no news to me. Anyway what is news that is my emphatising ratio si only 6 out of 20.. even the average men ratio is 8 out of 20. I must be way more callous that you average guys out there. Other than that,the result is as expected. Oh wait, I find out that there is a bit testoterone surging through my body. Ah no wonder. What you wonder? Thats for you to find out! (cheeky all of the sudden laks)

The weekend is almost over. How sad.

Raw


Why does my heart cried
Feelings I can't fight
You betrayed me
But just don't deceived me
And please believe me when I say I love you

[From the movie Moulin Rouge]

And why didnt he?
He's playing hot and cold.. hot and cold with me. I can't stand it. Yet I always come back for more. I am a true blue masochist. I don't even ask him to love me. I just ask him to miss me. And he couldnt even do that.. or say it. I just want to see his face once more. To see his lovely smiles, his small laugh. Why couldn't I forget him. When he could so easily dismissed me.. he could just easily come back and messed my sense and sensibility.

While my tears fall down to my keyboard, yet at the same time I was making jokes and soothing him telling him "no worries". I don't ask for much... a smile, a pat on the hand.

I miss him so much. Yet I am so afraid to let it shows. Becoz then if I show it... it will hurt 10 times more.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Hanging out.. Getting Bored

I am currently still in training, (right now) but peoples are laughing, surfing unnecessary wsites. SO hey. I do the same. I felt that these past months the muse in me had flown away. Perhaps my energy had dissipated. Or perhaps the lies had prove to much and it is eaten away inside me leaving me just an empty hollow of a human being. Woah.. that is too much. Aint it? But if you think about it... the more lies we build ourselves around to. We seems to get lost into it. As I am now. I am living in lies and so I will continue to do so in 10 or 20 years or even the whole of my life.
But hey.. I don't plan to talk about it. I just feel down down down. Maybe because my niece had completely destroyed my lipstick recently. I don't intend to type mushy stuff or something degradable since I am of course in the office and ANYONE can see (which meant that ANYONE I sooooo want to bash).
So just keep it light and easy. Thus... I ran out of idea already. What ? Where's my muse??
Muse muse come to me. Nope she's not coming. She must have gone into vacation to Pompeii or something.
Hey.. I seen Pompeii on the documentary recently. Nice huh. Peoples seems to take more interest in Pompeii recently. Dunno why.
It gets me to thinking.. we daydreams right? Some more than others. Especially me. Especially when I know I can't get THE guy. So why waste our dreams on em right? Such a lousy way to depress oneself. So don't any of us fabricate this fantastic person who knows our every need, accept all our weaknesses, think we are the most perfect person in the world.. bla bla bla. I had already laid out many of my characters spuns across the century. Herm.. and come to think of it.. all my lovely dream guy character ended tragically. Drown, war, self sacrifice and those shits. Since I seems to be agreeing that true love is probably love that you can't get. Maybe thats why all my character died. Herm. Even in my wildest fantasy my dream guy(s) died/ran away/being a quitter/married someone else. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. But i havent fabricated a character in Pompeii yet. Maybe I will! Yeay.. And yeah.. you can all guess how MY character gonna end up here.

Yeah.. I know this post is pathetic. I think my muse must be disgusted with me. And its raining. And my head hurts. And I want to watch TV. I miss being a jobless bum. Uh.. my trainer seems to be ignoring us. Continue blogging.

I see a sad lack of commitment in bloggers nowadays. Maybe all of em are happily being in a relationship , so they are in a world of their own where the sun shines even when it rains at night, flowers bloomed even at the dirties longkang and car honking at rush hour traffic heard like a nightingale singing. So maybe they don't have much to rant of instead of we Singletons.

But not many peoples know my blog. I am somewhat reluctant to let some peoples know since I may want to bash em. But I didn't bash anyone. Yet. Soo.. I am a nice person. Guddy.

Friday, May 20, 2005

In Search of Jobs

I am not jobless as many of you known by now. But yesterday us girls got together and laughed about how the job which we are now which then we disdained..but now we have to be. Its not much of a choice for us that don't exactly have the appetitte or brains to do programming. The most apparent choice now for jobless grads are:
1. Call Centre
2. Teachers
3. Customer Service
4. Job that are piled with lotsa of documents involved ( even that is not many)

But hey.. as I said before. Beggars can't be choosers. Especially us poor ones..

But I got a job. Not a dream job. But its good enough for a start. More than good I suppose. So I will be accompanying my friends to search for their dream jobs at a career fair. But for me who had attended this before. Well... I guess you really need to choose. And competition is tough. But of course us UTPians are made of stronger stuff.. We after all had healthy doses of roti canai and teh tarik at mamak Tronoh during our study.

UTPians are having their exams now right even as I typed. Herm.. I missed exam times. When there is no classes. All you had to do is study between watching the latest downloaded shows of CSI and O.C. Especially puasa during exam. Usually those are the best memories. Study from midnight till 4. Then go to sahur. Laugh around a lot with friends until we can hardly remembered what we had studies the night before. And solat. And can go sleep terus. ::sigh:: Those are the days. ::sigh again::

I MISS UTP

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

A girl in hiding in training

In training right now. Will be brief. Am not suppose to open Internet other than work relate stuffs. Can chat though.. but only for technical support. Jeez. Well. It is better than BCF aight. Am the only Malay girl here. Its fun however. Feel unique whut. Right? No lah. I don't know..
But who knows.. am learning loads however. So its really good stuff not to mention good pay.
15 mins break over. Learn on spam now. Ciao~

Monday, May 09, 2005

On 2nd thoughts...

I got a call yesterday. Apparently I was eligible to go through the 2nd stage of interview of the being that kayak instructor if you guys had read my previous post. I was like.. uuhhh~ Kinda like half wishing that I can work out the gut to be a kayak instructor. You need a lots of guts to make a decision like that.

So how does somebody made up their mind, to have this vocation and be something like a UN volunteer handing out foods and medical supplies to all those hunger and poverty stricken Somalians or Cambodians. It must have take a lot of guts. To face hardship, work for something that doesnt gave you benefit at all (excepting to God and your conscience). Not that being a kayak instructor is something that humanitarian, but still it is almost the same. You leave the comforts of your family and friends behind.

So am I a coward in not seizing the opportunity? And just be like another regular, blouse-pants/baju kurung wearing girl going to work at KL? I guess I am since I had chose to not go.
But hey.. I am still adamant in to rough it. Example like vacation. Maybe alone, maybe friends. Maybe Pompeii, maybe Tasik Kenyir to kayak. Interested anyone?

Saturday, May 07, 2005

I'm no one wife.. yeah.. but I love my life

Just a lyric from Chicago the musical. I just simply loved it when Catherine Zeta Jones belted out that song.

Not that it got anything to do with my life. But it is kinda like a feministic kinda film right? Meaning the girls are all singing about how scummy men are, yet the men are even more calculating than the women. Everybody is horrible.. I love it.

Deep down I am horrible horrible selfish person. Because I keep on hurting the person who loves me, and the person I love ( Different people pls note =p ). It must have been the scorpio in me to lash out when I am in hiding. I meant.. well.. it is pretty clear right. No. It is not clear. Of course I am mad. It is always me. Me Me Me. I have to keep on contacting. I have to be genial understanding. Understandably I am mad, furious yet deeply repentant. Don't you guys have this feeling. Lashing out.. screaming that of course I am angry.. so angry I want to hit you.. yet asking for forgiveness.. trying to be everything that you want me to be. Now... isnt that simple enough?

Ah.. sweet simple life. The things that you want is always much harder to get, but you just get what comes in your way.

Erm.. this is depressing. Why should I depress myself. I meant I kinda got this foreboding that another person is going into the sunset with another person so why shouldnt I get into a nice simple none problematic car and drove into the sunset too right? Even if my heart died a little when I heard his name or when I heard or uttered his name. If only those who are wary enough could see the slight note changes in my voice and the little sparkle in my eyes when I say his name. But human sense are of course just limited to 5. We can't comprehend all of this. Perhaps cat can. Herm.. maybe thats why cat likes me.?

Oh to answer you question Taqi. Dial up sux. Broadband sux even more. I got a lil problem in connecting streamyx. I am just short to burning down the TM Point in Ampang for being so incompetent. For me to publish this particular pointless post would probably cost me about 10 to 15 mins. But well.. I just have to take the trouble.. since my heart just died a little.

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