I can't say it to anybody else..(except Lan).. But I am temporarily single..There I said it. But I can't say whats keep on shouting in my head since, I am self concious that the names that is being constantly playing in my mind will read this and hate me.
I admired peoples who can be honest without flinching. For the first time, I know what despair is. I can't say to my boyfriend.. that I love him.. cause I truly don't know what I am feeling. All I know.. I will welcome this numbing feeling in my heart rather than the suffering of being dishonest. I can't really say to anyone.. not even Lan what I really want. Since I got the feeling that what I want is wrong wrong wrong and even worst.. won't be accepted. If anyone stumble upon this blog, they wont know an inkling what the hell I am writing about. I am afraid of my own feeling. I am afraid I will wake up one day and lose everything. I am afraid that I will wake up one day and gain everything but losing the one thing that really matters to me. I am afraid someone am repulse by me.
I thought I wanted everything.. but I was wrong.. now the only thing that I want is you