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Alone and Lonely

I am not in the mood for some light things today. Feel like doing a thing that I haven't done in the longest time, expressed my day to day frustration in this blog. Here it goes.

I feel like every day I am pretty much alone. You know how it sounds, you surrounded by people but you never feel more alone than you are then. When we are in the best of moods, we rolled our eyes whenever we heard that statement. Because it is sooo cliche, so overused. But if so many people said this thing, maybe, maybe it really is true.

We can only be struck by how alone we feel when we surrounded by people who talks animatedly to each other, but we can't get a word in edgewise. Because, it feels like we are in the outer rim of it. You keep that smile plastered on your face but inwardly, all you feel is going home and just lie down and not think.

Outwards, I am a kinda friendly persona. But the thing is, being friendly is tiring. It is not my natural traits. I am by person a quiet person especially with the people who don't know me too well. And thats the thing, maybe because who I am, I rarely get close to people. If I did get close, I am a chatty bunch. My fiance and some of my friends can attest to that.

But what I want to say is... making friends, or trying to get into that circle of friends you haven't been in for the longest time is the most tiring thing in the world. You'll search your mind relentlessly of things to say. Then you just stay quiet because the thing is there is nothing worthy to talk about.

I feel day by day my friends are slipping away from me. I tried perhaps, not my best, to grasp at that really thin lines of friendship, but even the efforts is trying.

I get mad at the slightest thing. I get mad that whenever people get away together they didn't ask me. I get mad that they think because I don't want to or I can't it didn't suffice the effort to cajole me to join them. I get mad that I am always the last in thoughts. Oh... don't worry. It sounds unreasonable. I usually reasoned myself sternly of this childish thoughts. But there are times, it just came and I let that horrible feeling washed over me and here I am wallowing in self pity. (Please, just let me wallow some more)

In reality perhaps all of this is my fault. I never tried hard enough in term of human contacts. I am lazy to reach out. I am introverted and love nothing else but to sit at home and watch Medium. I don't try hard enought to keep in contact with my friends. But, sometimes I have to ask myself. Should it be only me? Should I always be the one to initiate? Does that mean that people don't like me? Sigh. Maybe it is. But I guess I should tried again next time. Hey you, you that is wallowing in self pity in front of the laptop, snap yourself out of it and ask your friend out for lunch? Maybe, not today eh.

Sometimes I just feel... maybe I am not cut out for the world. Maybe I just need to dig a hole and just lie there and go out once in a while to just feed myself and procreate :D



p/s: How self-pityingly eh... takpe. Gah! I allowed myself for some self pity time today, will snap out of it in 30 minutes time. Let's see what Cracked have further.

Comments

Taqiyuddin said…
OMG! Dilla is having her quarter life crisis!

according to wikipedia, you showed 9 out the 16 characteristics of the crisis.

i'd like to point out the last characteristic, which you devulge to us rather off-handedly but quite important; Desire to have Children

p/s: I too do not like to have my problems pigeonholed into handy categories.
Dils said…
Quarterlife crisis eh? Haha.. that term is getting popular for the past year.

Mebbe mebbe. Or maybe I am the type of person who is ripe for any type of crisis. Haha..

Why must you always highlight the need for me to have children. I am a woman! Haha. I do want to... but let me state here before you imagine me that nowadays in my free time I am examining my menstrual chart for ovulation time, that I do feel like I want children, but I am putting it off for a few years kut.

Hahaha.. and a lot of times, I feel like I do not want any children at all!
GkWithLove said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
GkWithLove said…
Sometimes, being too friendly is not a good thing.. being too talkative isn't as good as u think it is..
there is always different types of human.. Just be whoever u are, as long as u are happy. No point spending the whole day with ppl that don't appreciate your time and effort.
perhaps spending time for yourself & family are more worthwhile..

G.K
Dils said…
Yups. You are right GK.

Just ignore those things and just concentrate on the things that make us happy. Huhu.

Sorry on whatever happening to your blog? What's your blog nowadays? Always like to read yours. Huhu.

Nuffnang

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