Currently I am listening to some old songs. The few back years songs. Specifically the Indonesian songs. I used to ban Indonesian songs. Not because I hate the Indonesians. Nope. Those who follow this blog from the beginning, will perhaps have a vague memory or notions why I don't listen to Indonesian songs anymore. Those who don't, let just say most Indonesian songs are just too painful for me to hear.
Why did I begin to listen again to these songs? The songs that when I heard before make me feel like my heart is breaking little by little. I honestly don't know. To gauge if it's still painful I guess even after I am married.
And you know, being married does not make your past disappear. I resent the perception of being married, that you have to be a dutiful, perfect little wifey without baggages. Or that your life is complete when you have a perfect family. Or the fact that you chose to wear a hijab, you need to be unmarked in sins. Isn't life about improvements, finding amendments, trying to see what works and what joys bring you or how you can bring joy forward even. You do not get THERE at once. Exceptions for some lucky people I guess, but for most people, it's a journey. To reach to a certain stage of piety, happiness, acceptance, forgiveness. And I am rambling, I am rambling because I am listening to some past songs that I associate with my past love.
Back to the topic. So does the songs still hurt? Does the thudding ache still there? The feeling like you can't breathe, like you have problem trying to exhale properly?
Wouldn't you just love to know ...