Dils Stop .

I am just exaggerating the topic. I felt it is madness for me in my single state. Why? Oh Sheeshh... In a day.. I had turned down 2 dates. Not from lousy men that doesnt worth your time. No No.. One of them, is a very very very cute guy. I am still lamenting myself why I did not go out with him. Why dila? You obviously wanted to a few months back. He's cute. He's tall. He's funny. I know I will have a hell of a time with him.. But why? Maybe because of the wrong timing. I meant he asked me right out on the day when I was feeling crappy and wearing crappy clothes. No cute guys will see me at not my best.. No No No.. hahha. Blame the media for making women feeling they have to be at their ultimate superior best. So guys.. if a girl said not... It does not necessarily means "not interested", sometimes it is " ask me again.. pretty please". Such a waste... I am sure he won't ask me again. And of them, is from a very very sweet guy. Why? I don't know....

Just feeling blue blue blues~~ Baah~.. So I will paste this one of my all time fav. Probably I am just making excuses from picking up my niece toys. Just one of those songs that sometimes seems true true true.. Crash Boom Bang - Roxette my papa told me to stay out of trouble "when you've found your man make sure he's for real" i've learned that nothing really lasts forever i sleep with the scars i wear that won't heal they won't heal cos every time i seem to fall in love crash! boom! bang! i find the heart but then i hit the wall crash! boom! bang! that's the call that's the game and the pain stays the same i'm walking down this empty road to nowhere i pass by the houses and blocks i once knew my mama told me not to mess with sorrow but i always did and lord i still do i'm still breaking the rules i kick it up i kick it down cos every time i seem to fall in love crash! boom! bang! i find the heart but then i hit the wall crash! boom! bang! ...

I havent touched that much on this topic. Perhaps it is.. hard, painful.. and frightening. I'm not those peoples who are afraid to get into commitment. You can always bounce back. But yet.. everyday.. My hope is diminishing, and this makes my dreams even more solid. I mean.. the ever sung out song "My Heart Will Go On". We may on hearing the songs played, wanted to turn it off or changed it to another station. Still .. how really can our love goes on, knowing the other party not interested or not there anymore. Can we really build an artificial life and surround us with many masks and faces.. and in our head we build these really lovely fairytale. Knowing that these are the best that we have at this time and perhaps forever. In reality.. if Jack never died in that ship, Rose will probably get irritated with him drawing naked women in America to make a living aight and whacked him becoz of her uh undying love for him? I am much too young to be a cynic and jaded about life...

I got to thinking.. how many peoples changed our life. Not changed it to the profound-i-found-life-is-exciting kinda way. But how our life intermingled with them.. and we find ourselves doing some things the same way that they do. I remembered this one guy who I absolutely crazy head over heels with. We used to write these letters. Until now.. I still write my "2" as the same way he did. Maybe I used to love him, hate him and then disregard him. But still he had left something permanent on me. His "2". And how one girl who introduced me to lipstick, mascara and powder and stuffs. We had our tiffs, differences, catfights and hardly talk today.. but still.. She had molded a little bit of who I am today, then. And how I got these habits on chewing on my knuckles when I am dreaming of particular unpleasant thoughts from my mom... even though most of us vow never to be like our parents. Peoples may want or force to change us. But they do it unconciously. SO the term. NE...

Why? I don't know. I guess some peoples like to build their hopes up high. Or I guess some peoples just won't give up. But I never used to be these type of peoples you see. I don't have that high of an ambition. And if things get tough.. I usually just forgot it. I meant .. why should I give a damn. Life is interesting enough aight? But.. now every little things count, I build my castle high up in the cloud, and I just won't stop. Thank God for every little things in life that make your life seems bearable and worth living. When i broke up with a boyfriend once, someone told me not to do anything stupid as in (suicide). I retorted back.."I am not THAT stupid". I never had much patience with those attempting lame suicide. I mean lame because they just do it to get attention, not actually wanna die. But in the process it will ' menyusahkan' everybody. If you really wanna die, you won't just swallow 8 panadols right? I would have gone to Clorox. I me...

Well.. not quite a week just yet. I am still in my baju kurung even though its 11 pm already. I am much too lazy today. Since I had been hard at work giving priority on which car needed to be towed. Yeah.. I didnt say it before. I work in BCB Finance. At first glance it kinda sucks. But.. then I guess I will get used to it. In the first day, I went from asiajaya to BCB with a taxi. Cost rm5. Damn... but then.. who cares. Dont wanna create a bad first impression. When I got there I ate my first breakfast as a working woman alone~ How sad. I havent even got my things-to-use-or-read when I am alone and bored and eating. Then we went into the HR room where I saw a couple of those from my interview. We greeted hi to each other. Then we follow this akak Lina to another room for us to sigh our contract. It took forever... I think they were just printing the contract as we waited for 3 hrs and more in the room. While we are there, we chatted. The guys in front of me are pretty friendly. One o...

I got a job. Why am I not that much excited about it? Lousy pay? Perhaps. Far? Can be a factor but PJ not that far off.. but still *sigh* (for someone who is so used to KLCC I guess). It is a contract thingies? Can be too. Maybe after a bit excitement I found out that I will be missing on a whole lot of Singapore television show! How very sad. I have to left the fate of Meiman, Meili and Meide unknown. And when will I get to see my episodes of Desperate Housewives!! Not too mention.. no more mom's cooking. Not that my sis dont cook great. It is appetizing enough. But still.. mom's cooking. No.. nothing can beat that. And playing the Internet daily! I wonder will I get Internet connection there. I don't set much hope in it. Also kinda wish my mom's not that far off. Have gotten used to her.. and I know she will get bored not too mention irritated with living with my slightly schizoprenic grandma. But this will help me..in getting money for my mom to repair my father'...

I write for my own relief. When emotions run high. And I don't have anybody to turn to. Its not that I don't have friend. There are many of them who claims to be my friends. Its just that.. you know they mean well, yet I know who I am. I am not making sense. I never did make any sense to those who know me well. So I just don't care even if as I type my fngers are trembling and my cheeks are flushed. And even if these temporary simple happiness comes as rare as rainbow on a dry spell.. yet it make me feel... alive. I couldnt and wouldnt explain more. Because if I did. Would my secret came tumbling out? And people will laugh and pointed at me.. telling it serve me right? Or.. they will shakes their head.. telling me it wouldnt be as I want it to be? So let me be in my dream state as long as possible.. even if every other night tears come... or every other hour I knew that reality is harsher. Soooooo.... I will just be old cynical yet sometimes foolish dila again. Hurray for f...

Being jobless, leave me alot of times in my hand. I can sleep all day.. but thats get boring every day. I plan to get in touch with my inner musical self again.. but.. it is just a plan.. my musical self is still in hiding. So as most of you who are familiar with me.. I just read. Due to the fast depleting stocks of all my favorite books being read and re-read. I, in turn had turn into boring books. It is boring. I know.. Thats why I tend to bored you since I am bored out of my mind here. I picked up Catcher in The Rye by J.D Salinger. It is a really well publicized and thought as many others as a well written book. Perhaps some of you might had heard it or read it and think it as phenomenal. It is pretty.. well.. extraordinary I might say. It is unlike anything I ever read. The main issues here is about a cynical adolescent coping with a phony world. And that is all it is. It is descriptive as hell..I read another 2 books in between that book, since the lack of plot..or..destination o...

Hehhe.. I felt an outrage because Jesse the Bachelor had chosen Jessica not Tara. Which proves to me.. true love doesnt exist, lust does, good sense is not appreciated, ditsy is the way to go, and reality dating must had sucks. So no matter how desperate I am, I will not do it because .. the reason is too obvious for me to print it out. I doesnt really mind Tara being pissed because the guy keeps on saying.. come on, come on.. opened up your feeling. When she finally does, the guy goes running away and chose somebody else. Typical guy behavior if you ask me. All they ever sputters off is how they want a challenge and when the challenge finally opens up.. away he goes. Ok.. pissed off feeling drains away now. I am not at peace with myself and can go have sleepover at my friend. Herm.. I wonder what she'll be cooking..