Sunday, October 16, 2011

Grief Talking

Muka high main string


I am still can't get over it that she's gone from our life. She have a lots of admirers, people and cats alike. Kurap seems lonesome and so she is clingier than usual. Sometimes she mewed piteously, sometimes when she does this, I imagined she is asking where Fasha is. Kakak angkat die kan. First time datang rumah mengemis nampak Fasha, terus excited nak ikut Fasha everywhere.

 Puteh is now sick, and I have to take care of him and now more being more aware and careful not to let it be too serious. So while feeling like crap, I have to make sure my crappy feelings will not make me ignored the other cats. 

Day to day however it is getting easier to adjust to the fact that she is not there. I am grieving is the least of the thing you can described it. I even broke down crying at a pet shop. Seeing all those things that I used to contemplate buying for her, it gets a bit much. I thought I was OK, but I told myself I would not cry if Fasha name is not mentioned, but the owner knows of my cats ( I board the cats there regularly ) and the owner asked on their news and the tears came out. That was Fasha favorite boarding place. The last time I sent her there, she was ecstatically rolling around at her boardng cage. LOL. I remembered feeling betrayed then.  

Routine now changes. I have to adjust to not call out automatically " Fasha, Kurap makan ".  I only have to use "Be a good girl" instead of 'girls' when I left them alone in the house before going to work. (Puteh is being put at the back, I don't dare to leave Puteh and Kurap alone without human supervision). I sometimes found myself panicking because I left a window open (You guys know Fasha penchant of breaking out when she found a way), or left a cupboard or drawers open and then realized with a heavy heart that she is not around anymore. 

I think maybe I'll tell a story about Fasha every now and then in this blog. Just so I've somewhere she is immortalized. Memory is not forever. I looked at old pics of Fasha in my Blackberry and I forgot on how she sometimes tend to do this, or lepak at this place. 

Let's start it now. Now on the earlier paragraph how careful we are not to let open drawers left unattended. Fasha had always been a quiet cat. Opposed to the vocal Kurap who will meowed insistently until we break down and gave her what she wants. Fasha quietness is one of the reason I overlooked that she's sick ( I am currently feeling guilty, feeling like I could have done more but didn't, this is the natural process of grief they say). 

Once my husband locked her in a shoes cabinet, just for a while. And he forgot about it. I found her few hours later because I heard some rustling in the shoes cabinet. Another time, he put her in a drawer during one night he was playing around with her. The next morning I couldn't find her but thought she is off gallivanting , then smelt poo. I located the smell and open the drawer and she jumped out of it, smeared with poo and piss. During the entire night and early morning, not once did she make a sound. She did not mewed, or scratches. And I was downstairs late at night and if she made a sound I would have known she was there and let her out earlier.  I swear my husband is not a cruel person :p . He's just forgetful.  I had then since asked him not to play those games with Fasha anymore. 

The last time she was trapped, I was cleaning the house and opened the top kitchen drawer to get some stuffs. Went into the living room for a while and then I realized I left the drawer open, and Fasha likes to sleep or pissed in a drawer. Depending on her mood. So went back to kitchen and closed the drawer. Finished with my chores, I looked for the cats. Found the fat cat blessedly sleeping. But not the striped one. After searching everywhere I remembered the drawer. I open the drawer, and she's not there. Opened the bottom drawer there she was, coolly lying down and looking at me as if asking "Why are you interrupting my sleep". 

I miss her so, so much. 

2 comments:

Ita Shadila said...

alfatihah to FASHA.. valid x? her name is muslim.. unlike POSH.. hmmm

as for my case.. posh been missing for almost a week now.. am still looking for closure.. if she is really dead, where is the body?

dah puas carik dalam longkang.. jalan2 around the neiborhood looking for her..

maybe need to up belasungkawa entry at my blog too :(

Dils said...

Heh. A guess prayer is always accepted for all living things kut..

Kesian Posh. Maybe she did went out to never come back.

Hope you do find her.

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