Dils Stop .

Damn it! I mean... I put it right there in my wallet. And it is lost. That means.. I have to go back to office tomorrow (in my OFF DAY ) so that I can open my locker and give my colleague his things since he was so lazy/forgetful to buy his own key. Hihihi.. trust a forgetful girl to keep your things. Yesterday... was somewhat like fun to me. No wonder I lighten up. First during lunch, our trainer told us that we will be having dinner together at Madam's Kwan to celebrate our new manager arrival. Most of us then and there, were buzzing and saying they're not going since 1. Pay haven't came in yet 2. Madam's Kwan isn't somewhere you wanna eat at the end of the month. Then came another announcement. The company is paying ... Hurray! But it will at Sundanese. Damn. Becoz I was looking forward to Madam's Kwan. I had been to Sundanese before. Averagish food. Madam's Kwan... haven't been to yet. Later kut. It was somehow kinda nice because it gave us a chance ...

Owh.. let forget those heart wrenching post below this one. It is written in a somewhat resurfacing grief stricken moment. I am a bit embarassed by that post, but it is of course my baby. It is what I had felt. As for that, I let it be. I do not know what life will offer to me. I felt like a hundred years old yet there are so many things I want to do. So many things have gone wrong. So many ways I want to set it right again, yet I felt powerless. I can't do this alone. So let it be. I remembered watching the Butterfly Effect (starring Ashton Kutcher). It was a lovely movie. And what can we do if we could change back the past. Change it somehow, to make it into our lovely little world. And at last, he knew that by not being born he is making his little cirle of world much more better. Kinda morbid isnt it. I am glad I was born. Some peoples even say that I changed their life to the better. It is nice to know that. But... I felt.. as if.. everybody is benefiting with this close perso...

Why does my heart cried Feelings I can't fight You betrayed me But just don't deceived me And please believe me when I say I love you [From the movie Moulin Rouge] And why didnt he? He's playing hot and cold.. hot and cold with me. I can't stand it. Yet I always come back for more. I am a true blue masochist. I don't even ask him to love me. I just ask him to miss me. And he couldnt even do that.. or say it. I just want to see his face once more. To see his lovely smiles, his small laugh. Why couldn't I forget him. When he could so easily dismissed me.. he could just easily come back and messed my sense and sensibility. While my tears fall down to my keyboard, yet at the same time I was making jokes and soothing him telling him "no worries". I don't ask for much... a smile, a pat on the hand. I miss him so much. Yet I am so afraid to let it shows. Becoz then if I show it... it will hurt 10 times more.

I am currently still in training, (right now) but peoples are laughing, surfing unnecessary wsites. SO hey. I do the same. I felt that these past months the muse in me had flown away. Perhaps my energy had dissipated. Or perhaps the lies had prove to much and it is eaten away inside me leaving me just an empty hollow of a human being. Woah.. that is too much. Aint it? But if you think about it... the more lies we build ourselves around to. We seems to get lost into it. As I am now. I am living in lies and so I will continue to do so in 10 or 20 years or even the whole of my life. But hey.. I don't plan to talk about it. I just feel down down down. Maybe because my niece had completely destroyed my lipstick recently. I don't intend to type mushy stuff or something degradable since I am of course in the office and ANYONE can see (which meant that ANYONE I sooooo want to bash). So just keep it light and easy. Thus... I ran out of idea already. What ? Where's my muse?? Muse mu...

I am not jobless as many of you known by now. But yesterday us girls got together and laughed about how the job which we are now which then we disdained..but now we have to be. Its not much of a choice for us that don't exactly have the appetitte or brains to do programming. The most apparent choice now for jobless grads are: 1. Call Centre 2. Teachers 3. Customer Service 4. Job that are piled with lotsa of documents involved ( even that is not many) But hey.. as I said before. Beggars can't be choosers. Especially us poor ones.. But I got a job. Not a dream job. But its good enough for a start. More than good I suppose. So I will be accompanying my friends to search for their dream jobs at a career fair. But for me who had attended this before. Well... I guess you really need to choose. And competition is tough. But of course us UTPians are made of stronger stuff.. We after all had healthy doses of roti canai and teh tarik at mamak Tronoh during our study. UTPians are having ...

In training right now. Will be brief. Am not suppose to open Internet other than work relate stuffs. Can chat though.. but only for technical support. Jeez. Well. It is better than BCF aight. Am the only Malay girl here. Its fun however. Feel unique whut. Right? No lah. I don't know.. But who knows.. am learning loads however. So its really good stuff not to mention good pay. 15 mins break over. Learn on spam now. Ciao~

I got a call yesterday. Apparently I was eligible to go through the 2nd stage of interview of the being that kayak instructor if you guys had read my previous post. I was like.. uuhhh~ Kinda like half wishing that I can work out the gut to be a kayak instructor. You need a lots of guts to make a decision like that. So how does somebody made up their mind, to have this vocation and be something like a UN volunteer handing out foods and medical supplies to all those hunger and poverty stricken Somalians or Cambodians. It must have take a lot of guts. To face hardship, work for something that doesnt gave you benefit at all (excepting to God and your conscience). Not that being a kayak instructor is something that humanitarian, but still it is almost the same. You leave the comforts of your family and friends behind. So am I a coward in not seizing the opportunity? And just be like another regular, blouse-pants/baju kurung wearing girl going to work at KL? I guess I am since I had chose to...

Just a lyric from Chicago the musical. I just simply loved it when Catherine Zeta Jones belted out that song. Not that it got anything to do with my life. But it is kinda like a feministic kinda film right? Meaning the girls are all singing about how scummy men are, yet the men are even more calculating than the women. Everybody is horrible.. I love it. Deep down I am horrible horrible selfish person. Because I keep on hurting the person who loves me, and the person I love ( Different people pls note =p ). It must have been the scorpio in me to lash out when I am in hiding. I meant.. well.. it is pretty clear right. No. It is not clear. Of course I am mad. It is always me. Me Me Me. I have to keep on contacting. I have to be genial understanding. Understandably I am mad, furious yet deeply repentant. Don't you guys have this feeling. Lashing out.. screaming that of course I am angry.. so angry I want to hit you.. yet asking for forgiveness.. trying to be everything that you want me...