Adapting

I guess unless I am back at the office, updates are gonna be a tad bit sporadic. Saje je kan nak makan gaji buta. 

Anyway, I am still adapting to motherhood. It seems like I am definitely not in the category who find motherhood as easy breezy. It does not help that I am lacking in patience. Husband remarked g resentfully ( cuba die yang kena bangun every 2 hours) I am more patient dealing with the bulus. Well, while the bulus does wake me up at 3 or 4 am in the morning, if they annoyed me I can just chuck them out of the room. I can't chuck this tiny kenit out even though I am severely tempted too kan... 

Kalau nak dikirakan, it is not that bad. He is not that fussy. His sleep pattern is still not established, so I can't say exactly at what time he will wake up, but he usually will wake up after 2 hour of sleep then cried his lung out for milk. During those first 2 weeks I was really, really pissed. Yes. I should say not that mother are entitled to be pissed, but we are allowed to because we are human but only not to succumb to our anger ( though sometimes I did, but I try to check myself ). I am not usually for tears, but being usually tear free it seems makes me into a very angry person. So maybe by being a crying mess, a lot of mother adapt well while I just simmers. I just don't have that mother instinct. 

Tapi... By this third week, I am kinda fine with it. Not totally fine, but just resigned when he cried in the middle of the night after 2 or 1 hour sleep. It gets annoying when after 3 hours of being awake in the middle of the night, he still wouldn't sleep, but I think I know how to put him to sleep now without tearing my or his hair out. I can now function well with a few hour sleep , and I rarely sleep during the day anyway. There is so many things to do! And the little one also keep waking up during the day too. After an hour or two. Paling lama die akan tidur lepas mandi pagi. Which is masa tu la nak makan, mandi, basuh baju baby, kemas whatever it is, pumping. 

Teruk kan. But I am trying to be honest here. I don't find motherhood magical. I find it hard work. It does have its sweet moment, but a lot of the time, it is kinda overwhelming, the things we needed to do for the little one, the responsibility and the upcoming responsibility. Maybe I am not prepared? 

I never was prepared, I try to take things one day at a time for a lot of things so maybe this don't really mesh well with my, one day at time philosophy for everything. 

This is not a crying out post asking you to say I am not a bad mother. I have yet to be a good mother, but I am trying. A working progress. In the mean time, we ( the little one and I ) have to bear with each other. I am figuring things out here. I think once I am in KL, which would be late next week kut, I have to create some sort of a schedule for both of us so we can adapt once I am working. Lagi2, husband pon nanti tadek, my mom pon cannot help so lagi la chaotic. 

We are looking for a maid, and the agency did find us one, but the maid they want to give us is a nubile  25 year old girl who looks stunning and have worked in Hong Kong with a family before. While I am not insecure USUALLY, tapi aku taknak la ade maid who will stay in the house 24/7 who looks like she could be an actress then bile husband aku balik bercuti he will be mostly alone with the maid. Aku tidak percaya ok. Walaupon husband never menunjukkan tanda2 lelaki gatal, tapi tak payah la nak tempt fate dengan meletakkan temptation depan mata dan hidup bersama. When I state the reason why I reject this candidate to husband, boleh pulakk la die senyap sengih2.. tanpa sebarang denial "ehhh... I tak rase die lawa." or "I wouldn't do that to you..," Die senyap je gelak2. Lelaki! Kaannnnn.... tak percaya aku. So sementara ni... masih menunggu. Kalau tak dapat, kena la cari orang / tempat nak dijaga si kenit ni. Kesian die. 

While husband is around, sekarang ni I let my husband bathed and change kenit diapers. Sebab nanti die takde berbulan-bulan aku kena handle sensorang, so sementara die ade die buat semua. Hehehe. Which account for my hopelessness bile aku kena tuka diapers die, sebab bile aku mengantuk, mesti aku tuka diaper Kenit tu tah hape2, which resulted Kenit diaper almost falling off. Seeee... no mother instinct. Husband got better mother instinct. 

Update baby. Well he is doing what most 3 weeks are doing. I have started to bottle feed EBM for him, so far no confusion. So he's doing ok. He's a bit of a fussy baby sometimes, can wail his lung out, very impatient, and likes to be rock to sleep which takes 30 mins in the middle of the night -_- However apart from that, he is generally very lovable. 

Well.. this luahan perasaan is long enough. Nak cerita pasal kucing besok2 la. Kalau ade masa.