Memories and Series

On Friday I greatly anticipate the new season of Greys Anatomy. Not dissapointed. Shonda Rimes is a great writer. And she put what we feel into words and expression exactly. Meredith can be quite tiring, especially whenever she got close with McDreamy. But got to love the interaction she have with the other cast, Izzie, George, Cristina.

And I love the last scene. When Izzie is being helped out of her prom dress by Meredith. (I thought the writers is about to let her wear that prom dress for several days). It translate to some what I sometimes felt. I have a thing on letting go or reminiscing. Yeah.. well (you know me).

Especially......OK. Say that.. if I had been to a really great date. When I got back home, I hate to get myself out of that clothes. Even if my clothes reek of cigarette smoke, I would love that smell. It gave me the heady sense of still being in that date. After the clothes was wash and I would fold it or hang it, I would smell the fresh laundry smell, a smile would hover. I would hesitate to wear it at times, not wanting any bad memory to tarnish it. So whenever I will put that clothes on again, the same shoes, the same handbag , it will usually bring out the best in me. I will laugh a bit more. I would be a little bit more dreamy. Little playful retort would bubbled out of me easily.

But, the same thing can be said when I am sad. When I got through a bad breakup or whatever. That same clothes would bring the opposite effect. I would bring it out with a resolve to wear it, but never could. Every time I lie my eyes on that clothes, it would bring me a bout of memories attack. When I hold it to store it back again, since I can't bear to wear it, twinge of sadness twisted my heart a bit. It brings little pain now.

Well, let's not get melancholy do we.

First time berbuka puasa di bulan Ramadhan in the office. Bit in a bad mood at first since there was free lunch at the office......, but as the day progressed, it is just like any other day. Eat a bit at office, then makan di rumah.

I also manage to download and watch the first episode of Shark. Its about this great D.A (Defense Attorney) who goes into the prosecuting side to win trials (the prosecuting side keeps on losing) and also train some of the junior attorney down there. A bit like House, but lawyers instead of doctors. One of the few series , I would like to try out and see on how well do I like it. Well.... its not great. But not too shabby either. Its quite enjoyable. Let's see on how well it turn out. And it got Sarah Carter. I kinda like her after seeing her in DOA. Not her acting chops (those are just tolerable) .. just that she's cute.

Ramadhan

Well well. I wanna join in the bandwagon and blog Ramadhan too. Yeay.

Well.. everybody know what is drawing near. You know what time it is... Yes! Food galore. Food that usually only come up once a year appear. Yes! The time of year that all people think we can diet or lose weight in the fasting month... but how completely wrong we are since our berbuka puasa food is just too full of goodiess goodness thingies. The time of month where traffic jam is at the most worst after work hour.

Yes , yes , I am not completely sidetracked here. It is the time where all us sinners should take the opportunity to grovel and beg for Allah forgiveness for us wrongdoing and transgressions. It is the time where we need to shed our bad habit.. and try to keep it that way too. It is the time to multiply our good deeds and ibadah to Him.

Therefore being a person who is so flawed that she herself are sometimes ashamed of self, I want to seek forgiveness to those around me.

First of all to my family who have to attend to my freeloading ways at time and also still keep the meal on the table until 10 pm every day so I could have home cooked meal . I like to say please forgive me for all my thoughtlessness and also my careless way on handling thing. ( Even though my family don't read this blog... and I hope they never will. *shivers* .. ah well)

To all my friends, to also on my don't care attitude at times and sometimes biting remarks. And the forgetful of birthday thingies too.. I know I know.. I am a bad friend. But hey.. I am never good at numbers. Can't seem to keep them in my head.

To all my Corporate colleagues, for sometimes being lazy.. ah yess... ok ok.. a tad bit lazy ...in many time.. but you know you still like to keep me around since I am such a walking dictionary and I laughed at those silly silly emails.

To all my other colleagues, ah well... sorry for the you know.. the don't care attitude (you see a pattern is emerging here) and the delay in sending out some emails.

To others, who I might had hurt their feeling or somewhat intentionally or non- intentionally. And to whoever might understand, that I never thought it would be like this or was like that. (Wait.. even I don't understand that. Well... think as you like.. I gotten tired of 'splaining myself).

To all my blog readers, sorry for having to put up with this *show hands around, nose crinkling in disgust*.

Now.. did I missed out anybody?

The diary note of dils

I was thinking.... that I don't really live my life quite healthily. I love good food. What I meant by good is.. those oily, extra fat, red meat, rich in cream and goodness food. So okay.. I need to exercise.... a bit.

Last weekend....

8.30 a.m: Gaaahh.. alarm clock. Head feel heavy. Cold. Rain had just stop. Want to sleep..and be fat until will grow disgusting to all creatures and men.

8.38 a.m: Peel self from blankie and other blankie. Rinse head in water for cold water shock treatment and brush teeth.

8.45 a.m: Went to room at top a.k.a storage room in search of decent shoes. Obviously cannot gad about exercising in sandals or high heels. Very unseemly.

8.55 a.m: Baaaahhh.. could not find shoes.. rummaging through piles brought from UTP that had not been opened 2 years ago. Could not find shoes. Found high heels. Found sandals. Ooohhhh.. I forgot I still have these sandals. But no shoes resembling shoes that are fit for cycling or running.

8.57 a.m: Found a neat red sneakers that wouldn't look out of place. Bounded downstairs.

8.59 a.m: Push bicycle out of house.

9.00 a.m: Forgot most important tool of exercising. My Sony Beanie MP3 player.

9.03 a.m: Hurmph. Battery is flat. Too lazy to recharge even though the manual state " Easy and fast rechargeable !!! Charge for 3 minutes to get up to 2 hours of listening.." . Grabbed Sony Walkman handphone instead .

9.05 a.m: Have a quick drink of water. Fluid very important, as those articles that were always being shoved to our face say.

9.08 a.m: Wheee~~~~ Ready to go.. Cool wind on my face.. cool crisp after-rain morning smell. Love morning smell.

9.10 a.m: Pedal, pedal uphill... to go up to the other side of taman. Greenery around. Love morning. Should had woke up earlier.

9.13 a.m: Opps. Song stop. Stop bicycle. Fiddle with handphone and earphone. Suddenly eyes are caught upon 2 stray chocolate color mangy dogs lying beside the road 20 m ahead.

The first dog suddenly stood up. Ears perked up. The dog tilt its head to its friend. The other more mangier and skeletal-like dog also bounded up.

Arrrgghhh.. stray dogs are trotting, almost running to meself. Push bicycle to opposite direction.

9.14 a.m: Whizzed through road in fear of rabid dogs.

9.16 a.m: Stood in front of scary 90 degrees hill , the road to go to the other side of taman. Either this or rabid dogs. Contemplate to go home and slept again. Push lazy thought aside as do not want to scorn self.

9.18 a.m: Have to push myself and bicycle up the hill. Pant. Pant. Could not cycle self uphill 90 degrees hill. Pant pant. Cursed stupid rabid dogs. Obviously the dogs are too lazy to come up to this road and chose the more scenic and more horizontal-like road for their haunt. Pant. Pant. Cursed lazy mangy rabid stray dogs again.

9.23 a.m: Hahaha. Am top of road. Am the King of the Hill. Or Queen. Whatever. Very tired but get on bicycle and cycle

9.35 a.m: Cycle and cycle around the houses. Got bored. Miss greenery thingies..

9.38 a.m: Went out to scary road leading to highway. Many cars. Cycle carefully with scary cars going past beside...while eyes glanced fearfully to very big drain beside road.

9.43 a.m: Back to greenery thingies again.. yeay.. with little squirrels scampering around.

9.51 a.m: Pant. Pant. Very tired now. Argh. Legs must keep on moving to avoid toppling over. Pant. Pant.

9.55 a.m: Feel like puking due to tiredness. Pant. Pedal. Pant. Pedal. Slightly green in face. Encountering a truck bearing large picture of ayam percik. Ayam percik does not look at all nice when feeling very nauseous.

9.59 a.m: Cycle . Pant pant. Pedal pedal. Pant pant.

10.03 a.m: Ahh.. home sweet home. Water....need water.

Losing it

Today I read about the killing spree at a college in Montreal. It bring back to mind again the events of another killing spree in a school in America almost 6 years back. And another one. And another.

The killer in Montreal cite his reason as problems with the women. Hence killing all he could find. The killer at the Columbine High School were believed was being bullied to no end and could not stand the peer pressure. Ted Bundy. The charming serial killer who chose his victim since they looks like his ex girlfriend who dumped him.

So? Why did 'cha do it? What reason indeed you can lamely tell somebody on why you choose to take the life of an innocent person.

Is it the one act of traumatic terror and events that can change you to take a gun and wildly shoots anyone around you? Or a quiet, persistent push and shove and constant pain, with silent sneer looking at you whenever you try to fought back that you just gave up and decide to let somebody else just feel that pain?

Some might argue this killing spree is becoming common in the Western world. I agree. But ... it is entirely possible you might see the same case to happen in our own country. Little mercy that can be counted upon is that at least at our country , guns are not sell in your own backyard or next to your friendly grocery store.

But hey.. let's not all clap hand and congrats ourselves. I hate the gang beating which is rampant in our local schools be it at the big town or the rural place too. So many of them can be seen so easily accessible via YouTube. Imagine the one you have not caught on tape. But that is another stories, another time.

If a father raping their own daughter. I would most certainly understand why you might want to plunge the knife into him. Again and again and again. Someone who hurt you. Understandable you want to kick and slap the person who hurt you back. You might even want to hurt yourself.

But those who are not related at all to your pain. Killing somebody daughter, son, wife and husband. Giving more sorrow that what your pathetic excuse of a sorrow. Madness perhaps?

Let see... if I wanted to kill. I would take my pick on the usual 4 : Greed, Love, Revenge, Fear... Probably not greed. No use killing a person over money and not enjoying the rewards. Revenge... probably .... yes. But Revenge is best serve cold and always. You don't quite satisfy your taste of S&M when they died immediately. Love....it is probably the same as revenge, you want them to suffer as much as you did. Not pain of death. Pain of living probably. Everyday feeling that pain they caused you. Everyday you feel that pain, you want that person to feel that too.

Thus, only leave fear. Fear is my valid reason if I wanted to kill somebody else. If I ever kill anybody, it would be out of fear. Fear of my own. Fear of somebody else.

What would push you over the edge?

Picking up the pieces

Some people knew I was in love. Some people guessed who is the lucky or unlucky guy. I knew of 2 of you out there who is still keeping the list on the possible guys on who I had set my eyes upon and are still guessing who is this guy are.

I hate talking about this now. As you might had noticed, I had grown cynical and somehow disillusioned about love. And I don't believe in love anymore. At least from my part, my life. I believe it happens to everyone else. I believe people could love me. I believe people could love each other. I don't believe the person that I love would love me back. I find it increasingly hard to believe I could love again. Maybe a different kind of love. Not that kind of love again.

It is sad. I first open this particular post wanting to say I wanted to move on. Just when I am about to type on how I wanted to move on, I got to know.. well something.... And I know I that I was wrong. I had not move on. I particularly hate myself now. I don't hate him, no, no, not at all. He had cleared himself of all blame. You know, put the "The management are not responsible for the loss of ....." before you park your car kinda notice. It is rather a good idea. I have to admit.

But whatever right? I am still young. I am sure this will pass. This got to pass. Or I would go mad trying to keep myself from feeling like an idiot. Your worst enemy is yourself. My low self esteem for this, I could only blame myself.

I just wish I could blame someone. Or something. Maybe ... herm.. but SssSShhhh~ some dreams are just too fragile and too beautiful to say out loud. If I disturbed it, it would then break apart in many pieces.

Important Note: I am not feeling particularly well the past days. So please do not blame/marah/felt dissapointed with me on this post since I am heavily under the influence of medicine and irritating bad health to post this without screaming how embarassed I am.

Tidbits and Thoughts on Bridget

Today is such a sleepy day. I finished reading the Bridget Jones articles. Ended with her birthing a beautific baby boy while I am screaming (in my head of course), "I want more, I want more."

Its rather puzzling. I was reading all the columns from 1995 to 1997 .It ended abruptly in 1997 when Bridget was caught snoggin a 14 year old boy. Shocking, but quite accidental. Then it started suddenly in 2006 again with Bridget having a prenatal scan with Daniel. She obviously are pregnant with Daniel child. WHeeeEE! I am pleased. But the non-explanation on how she get pregnant and all is very confusing which makes me yearn for the book to come out faster. However the book and the column , not to mention film are very very different. The column, beforehand does have Mark asking Bridget to marry him and then chucking her. The film just ended up on the note of Bridget getting asked, but I couldn't for the life of me remembered the ending. The book, The Edge of Reason just ended with Bridget going to move to Thailand with Mark Darcy? V. confusing. Do not know which to believe since all are created by same author.

Now comparing Mark Darcy and Daniel, we all know Mark Darcy is all superiors in term of (can't say look because this is fictional characters therefore personal taste in looks could not be determined) wealth, manners, caring-ness, opinion and his personal qualities. While Daniel is shown as a sexist pig who can't commit and very shallow. (Somehow if both of these guys are real, I still got a sneaking suspicion that Daniel will be handsomer). But you know, I always kinda wish Bridget does end up together with Daniel. Don't know why. Probly both of them are such fun character to be thrown together, while if Bridget with Mark Darcy, Mark will just ended up looking very smug and bored.

Also got to admit, guys like Mark Darcy don't exist. While the worlds are overridden with guys like Daniel whom girls love to fall in love with , but these type of guys just continue to be commitment phobic bastards thus causing girls either to go mad or marry a pompous lesser in quality, look (much less in look), wealth, caring-ness Mark Darcy-like personas.

Also on another note, don't understand people(women) who detest Bridget Jones. Of course any sane person know that they must not act all whimsy-like and very blur like Bridget or you will get sacked and shunned by families, friends, acquantainces and communities at large. However, which women don't admittedly have these little shortcomings that are so garishly described in the book. Who don't postpone little resolutions to take diets, eat healty food, etc, etc till tomorrow or next year? How many of us in the world does indeed have the best jobs in the world, and do not have the pleasure of the predicament of those who are not that lucky and in the morning lies shivering in bed in fear of deadline/meeting/performance review? How many women who are a little bit overweight or reaching that quota,do not fervently looking into their weight scales and furiously thinking where does that extra pound (or kg) magically appears overnight when did not eat anything at all at dinner?

Chick Lit like Bridget, makes our little hang up seems much more amusing and a bit more endearing knowing that heroines do not necessarily have to look like supermodels.Those who do not agree, as what Bridget Jones might say, Baaahhh.